Humor

I think this has to be N. C. State's finest engineering students.

I'd like to share a coke with you.
Coke ad - Three minutes of pure entertainment!!! Its cool

You'll love this ... created by some Engineering Students. Outside the box, like a Rube Goldberg...
if you're of a certain age to know who Rube was.


To View Video:
 
You know you live in a Country run by idiots if...
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You can get arrested for expired tags on your car but not for being in the country illegally.
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You know you live in a Country run by idiots if...
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Your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more of our money.
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You know you live in a Country run by idiots if...
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A seven year old boy can be thrown out of school for calling his teacher "cute" but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable.
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You know you live in a Country run by idiots if...
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The Supreme Court of the United States can rule that lower courts cannot display the 10 Commandments in their courtroom, while sitting in front of a display of the 10 Commandments.
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You know you live in a Country run by idiots if...
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Children are forcibly removed from parents who appropriately discipline them while children of "underprivileged" drug addicts are left to rot in filth infested cesspools of a "home".
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You know you live in a Country run by idiots if...
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Hard work and success are rewarded with higher taxes and government intrusion, while some slothful, lazy behavior is rewarded with Welfare checks, Medicaid, subsidized housing, and free cell phones.
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You know you live in a Country run by idiots if...
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The government's plan for getting people back to work is to provide 99 weeks of unemployment checks (to not work).
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You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... Being self-sufficient is considered a threat to the government.
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You know you live in a Country run by idiots if...
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Politicians think that stripping away the amendments to the constitution is really protecting the rights of the people.
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You know you live in a Country run by idiots if...
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The rights of the Government come before the rights of the individual.
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You know you live in a Country run by idiots if...
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You can write a post like this just by reading the news headlines.
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You know you live in a Country run by idiots if...
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You pay your mortgage faithfully, denying yourself the newest big screen TV while your neighbor defaults on his mortgage (while buying iPhones, TV's and new cars) and the government forgives his debt, and reduces his mortgage with your tax dollars.
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You know you live in a Country run by idiots if...
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Being stripped of the ability to defend yourself makes you "safe".
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You know you live in a Country run by idiots if...
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You have to have your parents signature to go on a school field trip but not to get an abortion.
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You know you live in a Country run by idiots if...
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An 80 year old woman can be stripped searched by the TSA but a Muslim woman in a burka is only subject to having her neck and head searched.
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You know you live in a Country run by idiots if...
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Using the "N" word is considered "hate speech" but writing and singing songs about raping women and killing cops is considered "art".
 
WHY IS A CHRISTMAS TREE BETTER THAN A MAN
A Christmas tree is always erect.
Even small ones give satisfaction.
A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
A Christmas tree has cute balls.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
 
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaning that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.
 
Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders



EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'

FORGET THE SHRINKS..

HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

May your troubles be less, Your blessings be more,

And nothing but happiness come through your door!
 
Two guys where walking down the street when they saw two dogs humping.
One said, "I wonder how much liquor it would take to get my wife to do it that way".
So they made a bet of 10 bucks on whose wife would do it on the lease amount of liqour.
After a week they met in a bar.
"Well", said the first guy "How much liquor did it take".
"A pint of whiskey", replied the other guy.
The first guy said "You win, It took me a whole bottle just to get her out in the yard."
 
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob."

Bob was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back! Please!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"

"Not bad," replied Bob the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"

"Never," said Bob.

"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."

Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yelling "BOB, wake up, goddammit. You just **** the bed!"
 
mmckee1952 said:
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob."

Bob was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back! Please!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"

"Not bad," replied Bob the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"

"Never," said Bob.

"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."

Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yelling "BOB, wake up, ******** You just **** the bed!"
Click to expand...

There would have been no loss in this story if you had either changed that word or left it out. Otherwise you ruined a good story for me.
 
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat-down.
I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
His theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had
been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; ( I always call him "honey" in times like these.)
"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
"Are you kiddin' me," he barked, "I dropped you off"!!!!!!!
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car.
 
Even Generals have a limit to what they can take from a stupid boss.When Former top U.S. military commander in Afghanistan Stanley McChrystal got called into the Oval Office by Barack Obama. He knew things weren't going to go well when the President accused him of not supporting Obama in his political role as President. "Its not my job to support you as a politician, Mr. President, its my job to support you as Commander-in-Chief," McChrystal replied. Not satisfied with accepting McChrystal's resignation, the President made a cheap parting shot : "I bet when I die you'll be happy to piss on my grave. "The General saluted. "Mr. President, I always told myself after leaving the Army I'd never stand in line again."
 
mmckee1952 said:
Even Generals have a limit to what they can take from a stupid boss.When Former top U.S. military commander in Afghanistan Stanley McChrystal got called into the Oval Office by Barack Obama. He knew things weren't going to go well when the President accused him of not supporting Obama in his political role as President. "Its not my job to support you as a politician, Mr. President, its my job to support you as Commander-in-Chief," McChrystal replied. Not satisfied with accepting McChrystal's resignation, the President made a cheap parting shot : "I bet when I die you'll be happy to piss on my grave. "The General saluted. "Mr. President, I always told myself after leaving the Army I'd never stand in line again."
Click to expand...

LMAO!!! Really good! My friends and family loved it too.:haha:
 
A blonde walks into a porno shop:

She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "35 bucks"
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.

A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"

He: "35 bucks"
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm... I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes.

About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"

He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm... .how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special dildo... it'll cost you $165."
She: She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes.

Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"

To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
 
Twenty Uses for Fruitcake
1. Use as a doorstop

2. Use as a paperweight

3. Use to clean your pots and pans

4. Use as boat anchor

5. Use as bricks in fireplace

6. Build a house with them

7. Use it to hold up your Christmas tree

8. Use as a pencil holder

9. Give it to the cat for a scratching post

10. Put it in the back yard to feed the birds and squirrels

11. Hold up your car when changing tires

12. Slice and use for poker chips

13. Use it to carve your turkey on

14. Use as replacement for Duraflame log

15. Take it camping with you...use it to weigh down the tent

16. Use it as a seat at a stadium event

17. Stand on it when you change a lightbulb

18. Put it in the back of your car/truck for snow/ice driving

19. Replaces free weights when you work out

20. Use as book ends at the school library
 
There was a man who had had a headache for twenty years and was at the point where he wanted to end his own life, but he decided to go to a specialist first.

No doctor could solve his problem, until finally one of them said "You have a very rare problem, your testicles are pressed up against your spine causing your headache. The only way to remedy it is to remove your testicles."

The man hesitantly agrees and gets them removed.

On his way home he walks past a taylor shop with a sign saying "ALL SUITS HALF PRICE"

Being in need of a new suit he walks in where a man greets him and says "Hello Sir I see you want a suit, I would say that you are a 34 sleeve and a 24 pant."

"Wow! How did you know that?" said the man.

"Why Sir I've been in this business for 40 years. Would you like shoes to go with that?"

"Sure" says the man. "Okay I'd say that you're a size 10 wide."

"Ok, now you're freaking me out...Thats a great talent" says the man.

"Thanks" replied the shopkeeper, "Now how about some undergarments?"

"Ok see if you can guess my size", said the man.

"Easy 36" said the shopkeeper.

"Nope 34" replied the man.

To which the shopkeeper exclaimed "Impossible a size 34 would skwish your testicles against your spine and you'de get a headache".
 
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
 
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