Humor

[mmckee1952]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!

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Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

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Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church ... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

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Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

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Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

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Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

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Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile ... Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

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Marriage Humour

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife : 'Yes or No.'

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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'

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Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket' ...

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework ...

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied ... 'Your horse phoned ...'

 

[The_Outlaw]

Lmao! ...................:laugh:

 

[mmckee1952]

Out ofthe mouth of Babes!!!!

A REAL TEAR JERKER

This is for al lthe grandfathers out there.

Last week, I took my grand-children toa restaurant. My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food,and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert .And liberty and justice forall! Amen!"

Along withthe laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job,and God was certainly not madat him,an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grand-son asked.

"Cross my heart,"the man replied. Then, ina theatrical whisper, headded (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good forthe soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My grand-son stared at his fora moment,and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked overand placed it in front ofthe woman.
Witha big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up yourass you grouchy old b***h! "

 

[mmckee1952]

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the **** out of him..
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said,"Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

 

[The_Outlaw]

Good One! LOL! =-)

 

[The_Outlaw]

Question; What's better than roses on your piano?
.......................
.......................
.......................
Answer; Tulips on your organ! :laugh:

 

[Rhino]

Comparison of AK, AR-15, and Moisin-Nagant

AK: It works though you have never cleaned it -- ever.
AR: You have $9 per ounce special non-detergent synthetic Teflon infused oil for cleaning.
MN: It was last cleaned in Berlin in 1945. Maybe.

AK: You are able to hit the broad side of a barn from inside.
AR: You are able to hit the broad side of a barn from 600 meters.
MN: You can hit the farm from two counties over.

AK: Cheap magazines are fun to buy.
AR: Cheap magazines melt.
MN: What's a magazine?

AK: Your safety can be heard from 300 meters away.
AR: You can silently flip off the safety with your finger on the trigger.
MN: What's a safety?

AK: Your rifle comes with a cheap nylon sling.
AR: Your rifle has a 9 point stealth tactical suspension system.
MN: Your rifle has four dog collars tied end-to-end.

AK: Your bayonet makes a good wire cutter.
AR: Your bayonet is actually a pretty good steak knife.
MN: Your bayonet is longer than your leg.

AK: You can put a .30" hole through 12" of oak, if you can ever hit it.
AR: You can put one hole in a paper target at 100 meters with 30 rounds.
MN: You can knock down everyone else's target with the shock wave of your bullet going downrange.

AK: When out of ammo your rifle will nominally pass as a club.
AR: When out of ammo, your rifle makes a great wiffle bat.
MN: When out of ammo, your rifle makes a supreme war club, pike, boat oar, tent pole, or firewood.

AK: Recoil is manageable, even fun.
AR: What's recoil?
MN: Recoil is often used to relocate shoulders thrown out by the previous shot.

AK: Your sight adjustment goes to "10", and you've never bothered moving it.
AR: Your sight adjustment is incremented in fractions of minute of angle.
MN: Your sight adjustment goes to 12 miles and you've actually tried it.

AK: Your rifle can be used by any two bit nation's most illiterate conscripts to fight elite forces worldwide.
AR: Your rifle is used by elite forces worldwide to fight two bit nations' most illiterate conscripts.
MN: Your rifle has fought against itself and won every time.

AK: Your rifle won some revolutions.
AR: Your rifle won the Cold War.
MN: Your rifle won a pole vault event.

AK: You paid $350.
AR: You paid $900.
MN: You paid $59.95.

AK: You buy cheap ammo by the case.
AR: You lovingly reload precision crafted rounds one by one.
MN: You dig your ammo out of a farmer's field in Ukraine and it works just fine.

AK: You can intimidate your foe when you fix bayonet.
AR: Your can give your foe a good laugh when you fix your bayonet.
MN: You can bayonet your foe on the other side of the river without leaving the comfort of your hole.

AK: Service life, 50 years.
AR: Service life, 40 years.
MN: Service life, 100 years, and counting.

AK: It's easier to buy a new rifle when you want to change cartridge sizes.
AR: You can change cartridge sizes with the push of a couple of pins and a new upper.
MN: You believe no real man would dare risk the ridicule of his friends by suggesting there is anything but 7.62x54R.

AK: You can repair your rifle with a big hammer and a swift kick.
AR: You can repair your rifle by taking it to a certified gunsmith and it's under warranty!
MN: If your rifle breaks, you can buy a new one.

AK: You consider it a badge of honor when you get your handguards to burst into flames.
AR: You consider it a badge of honor when you shoot a sub-MOA 5 shot group.
MN: You consider it a badge of honor when you cycle 5 rounds without the aid of a 2x4.

AK: After a long day the range you relax by watching "Red Dawn".
AR: After a long day at the range you relax by watching "Blackhawk Down".
MN: After a long day at the range you relax by visiting the chiropractor.

AK: You can accessorize you rifle with a new muzzle brake or a nice stock set.
AR: Your rifle's accessories are eight times more valuable than your rifle.
MN: Your rifle's accessory is a small tin can with a funny lid, but it's buried under an apartment building somewhere in Budapest.

AK: Your rifle's finish is varnish and paint.
AR: Your rifle's finish is Teflon and high tech polymers.
MN: Your rifle's finish is low grade shellac, cosmoline and Olga's toe nails.

AK: Your wife tolerates your autographed framed picture of Mikhail Kalashnikov.
AR: Your wife tolerates your autographed framed picture of Eugene Stoner.
MN: You're not sure there WERE cameras to photograph Sergei Mosin.

AK: Late at night you sometimes have to fight the urge to hold your rifle over your head and shout "Wolverines!"
AR: Late at night you sometimes have to fight the urge to clear your house, slicing the pie from room to room.
MN: Late at night, you sometimes have to fight the urge to dig a fighting trench in the yard to sleep in.

 

[Rhino]

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
The dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

 

[Rhino]

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat ...As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.”

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really? “He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name...”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”

 

[Rhino]

Jesse Jackson struts into an appliance store and demands to see the manager. When he arrives, Jackson shouts, "I was told that there are no black appliances in here. I protest!"

"What the hell are you talking about?" the manager asks.

"Look over here at these washing machines. I see white ones and green ones and gold ones, but not a single black one."

The manager nods, and then walks over and opens the lid of every machine. "Come over and look at these."

Jackson looks into each one and then says, "So what is that about?"

The manager looks him squarely in the eye and hisses, "Didn't you notice? Every one of the agitators is black."

 

[Rhino]

Earl's new Taser...

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse- sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun--adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-A batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at t he same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working……. Awe some!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave).

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat, Gracie, looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong??
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it,' reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ( expletive ) WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
You should know, if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-O%%&*. That hurt like heck!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,
Earl

 

[Rhino]

It has been known for many years that sex was good exercise, but until now nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric content of different sexual activities. Now after "original and proprietary" research they are proud to present the results.


REMOVING HER CLOTHES
With her consent................................12 Calories
Without her consent...........................2,187 Calories


OPENING HER BRA
With both hands.................................8 Calories
With one hand...................................12 Calories
With no hands.................................1,485 Calories


PUTTING ON A CONDOM
With an erection.................................6 Calories
Without an erection...........................3,315 Calories


POSITIONS
Missionary.........................................12 Calories
69 lying down...................................78 Calories
69 standing up................................1,812 Calories
Wheelbarrow..................................1,216 Calories
Doggy Style.....................................326 Calories
Chandelier......................................2,912 Calories


ORGASMS
Real..............................................112 Calories
Fake............................................1,315 Calories


POST ORGASM
Lying in bed hugging..........................18 Calories
Getting up immediately........................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories


GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are
20-29 years....................................36 Calories
30-39 years....................................80 Calories
40-49 years....................................124 Calories
50-59 years....................................1,972 Calories
60-69 years....................................7,916 Calories
70 and over...................................Results still pending (not enough samples to draw any conclusions)


DRESSING AFTERWARDS
Calmly..................................................32 Calories
In a hurry.............................................98 Calories
With her husband knocking at the door...........5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door...........13,521 Calories


Results may vary.

 

[Rhino]

Spell Cheque

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

 

[Rhino]

The Haircut

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

 

[Rhino]

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to
be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior
Discounts, this is the code for you....

ATD: At the Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend's Funeral
BTW: Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You at the Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWBB: Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On the Floor Laughing.... Can't Get Up
TTYL: Talk to You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet the Furniture Again
WTP: Where's the Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help.
GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)

 

[Rhino]

The True Origin of the Internet
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.

 

[Rhino]

Tools Explained

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-***** TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a *****!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative. It's coupled with a community service project I am working on. There is no need to send me a thank you note.

 

[Rhino]

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to Where do pets come from? Adam and Eve said: Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.

And God said, No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.

And God said, No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said: Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.

And God said, No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration. And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. And Cat didn't give a **** one way or the other.

 

[Rhino]

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON’T!”

“Don’t what?" Adam replied.

“Don’t eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

”Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"

"No Way!”

“Yes way!”

“Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why he hadn’t stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and he was ticked! ”Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

”Then why did you?" asked the Father.

”I don't know," said Eve.

”She started it!" Adam said

”Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!”

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.

AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"

 

[Rhino]

T-shirts I have liked:

Am I getting older or is the supermarket playing great music?

Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?

Too many people with solutions are the problem

Doesn't Expecting The Unexpected Make The Unexpected The Expected?

Growing Old Is Mandatory. Growing Up Is Optional

I'm Not Old. I'm Olde

With Luck & Planning I'll Retire At 149

If A Man Speaks In A Forest, And There Is No Woman There To Hear Him, Is He Still Wrong?

It's Better To Have Loved & Lost Than To Live With The Psycho The Rest Of Your Life

Some Days, It's Not Even Worth Chewing Through The Restraints

Manure Occureth

I'm Not Mean. You're Just A Sissy

If YOU don't talk to your CAT about catnip, who will?

I Don't Skinny Dip I Chunky Dunk

Don't Take Life So Seriously. It Isn't Permanent

I eat three servings of vegetables per day - Ketchup, Ketchup & Ketchup

Is It Me Or Is This Place A Festival Of Idiots?

Yet, despite the look on my face, you're still talking

Tell Me Again How Lucky I Am To Work Here. I Keep Forgetting

I Try To Take One Day At A Time, But Sometimes Several Days Attack Me At Once

OC - Overly Caucasion - Do Not Place On A Dance Floor

Mess With Me You Mess With The Whole Trailer Park

E is for Ediot

You Be More Interesting. I'll Be More Interested

Save Trees: Don't do homework!

I'm sick of being my wife's arm candy

They say I have A.D.D. but they just don't understand. Oh Look! A chicken!

Work For God. the retirement benefits are great

I'm Retired, You're Not - Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah…

Home Of The Free Because Of The Brave

Sarcasm, Just One More Service I Offer

I'm Confused? Wait, Maybe I'm Not

Can't You See I'm Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Busy?

I'd Listen To You, But Ignoring You Is so Much Easier

It Gets Worse. I Have Children

You Don't Get A Body Like This By Working Out

Support Wildlife. Throw A Party!

The More Things Change, The More They Remain Insane

You Remind Me Of Someone. I Really Liked That Dog

Please Turn The Other Cheek So I Can Kick Your Butt

To Reduce Stress - Avoid Excitement. Spend More Time With Your Spouse

The Day God Made Dog. He Just Sat Down And Smiled

Give Me Ambiguity Or Give Me Something Else

All Generalizations Are False. Including This One

I Won't Rise To The Occasion, But I'll Slide Over To It

Gravity Always Wins

When All Else Fails...Tell The Truth And Run

Anger Management Support Group (President)

Selective Listener

Shut Up Voices Or I'll Poke You With A Q-Tip Again

Psycho Girlfriend Magnet

333 - I'm Only Half Evil

On The Journey Of Life I Chose The Psycho Path

I Came, I Saw, I Duct Taped

Dain Bramaged

Fishing & Beer: Sometimes You Have To Get Back To The Basics

My Indian name is Runs With Beer

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway

Everyone Has The Right To Be Stupid, But You're Abusing The Privilege

At My Age, Even My Birthday Suit Needs Pressing

It's Never Too Late To Have A Happy Childhood

Et Tu Dufus?

Who Are You And Why Are You Reading My Shirt?

Instant Human. Just Add Coffee

My Mind's Been Gone For Years

I'm Really A God. But No One Realizes It Yet

I Make Only Good Mistakes

You Can't Scare Me - I Have A Two Year Old

Good Morning Is An Oxymoron

Deadlines Amuse Me

Things To Do Today: 1. Get Up. 2. Survive. 3. Go Back To Bed.

If You're Too Open Minded, Your Brain Will Fall Out

Everything I say is fully substantiated by my own opinion

Of course I'm in Great Shape - I play Rock, Paper, Scissors

Chocolate: The cat nip of the female world

Geezer (formerly known as "Stud Muffin")

What If The Hokey Pokey Really Is What It's All About?

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall…. What The *#$*! Happened?!?

I'm sorry, but I don't know any words small enough for you to understand

Danger: Mouth operates faster than brain

A Good Lawyer Knows The Law. A Great Lawyer Knows The Judge

You Can't Scare Me…I'm A Teacher

You Don't Gnome Me!

Crazy Enough for a Post Office Job

Life Is Too Short To Cook For You People

I Didn't Say It Was Your Fault. I Said I Was Going To Blame You

I Teach, Therefore You Think

If I'm Talking, You Should Be Taking Notes

A Team Effort Is A Lot Of People Doing What I Say

If You Think Nobody Cares, Try Missing A Few Payments

Here's A Little Hint. I Don't Care!

Some Days You're The Bug. Other Days You're The Windshield

The villagers are coming with torches and pitchforks. Please hide me

I'm Lost But I'm Making Good Time

Always Being Right Is An Awesome Responsibility

Hear it let's for dyslexia!

Have You Seen My Marbles?

What is The Speed Of Dark?

Let The Praise For My Cooking Begin

I'm Not Bald. Heavy Thinking Burned My Hair Off

I Hate That You Don't Salute Me

Can You Beer Me Now?

Maturity Is Overrated

I'm Not Bossy. I Just Know What You Should Be Doing

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

When All Else Fails - manipulate the data

Obey Gravity. It's The Law

When You're Right No One Remembers. When You're Wrong No One Forgets

It IS As Bad As You Think, and they ARE out to get you

I have multiple personalities and none of them like you

I Never Get Lost. People Always Tell Me Where To Go

The Difference Between Genius and Stupidity Is That Genius Has Its Limits

It Matters Not Whether You Win Or Lose. It Matters Whether I Win Or Lose

Make it Idiot Proof and Someone Will Make a Better Idiot

Ignorance Is not A Barrier To Self-Expression

If You're Happy And You Know It, Go Away!

It Sounded Better In My Head

Will Someone PLEASE Steal My Identity?

What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

If you don't have something nice to say, a blank stare usually gets the point across

I'm Not Fluent In Idiot, So Please Speak Very Slowly To Me

Some lead. Some follow. I laugh.

A Closed Mouth Gathers No Feet

We Have Enough Youth. How About A Fountain Of Smart?

Gray Hair Is God's Graffiti

You Remind Me Of Someone…I Don't Like Them Either

Age and Treachery Will Triumph Over Youth and Skill

Do you really think they're laughing with you?

Old friends are best. They know everything about you (but they can't remember it).

Change Is Good. You Go First.