Humor

I PAD---hysterical--you have to watch this!!! A daughter is visiting her father and is helping in the kitchen.Do you like the ipad we gave you for your birthday?" This is in German but that's NO PROBLEM...YOU'LL GET IT !! - Link Removed
 
Bumper Stickers
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots....I married their king.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
 
Feeding the Baby
A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant.

His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, then says, "What in the world are you doing?"

He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another."
 
The Things I Owe My Parents
.
1. My Parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE ..
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
.
2. My Parents taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
.
3. My Parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
.
4. My Parents taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
.
5. My Parents taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing & break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
.
6. My Parents taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
.
7. My Parents taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
.
8. My Parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper"
.
9. My Parents taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
.
10. My Parents taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
.
11. My Parents taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
.
12. My Parents taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
.
13. My Parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
.
14. My Parents taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
.
15. My Parents taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
.
16. My Parents taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
.
17. My Parents taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
.
18. My Parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
.
19. My Parents taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
.
20. My Parents taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
.
21. My Parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
.
22. My Parents taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
.
23. My Parents taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
.
24. My Parents taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
.
25. My Parents taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
 
Paul walked into the golf club locker room, and saw his friend Bob...

Paul: Hi Bob! How did you play today?

Bob: Awful - just awful...one of the worst days ever...

Paul: Oh, why is that?

Bob: Well, I brought my Father out to play 18 holes with me today, and on the 11, he putted in...grabbed his heart - and keeled over and died! Right on the green!

Paul: My God! That must have been terrible!!!

And Bob said:

"You're telling me!...The last 7 holes, it was hit the ball!...drag Dad - hit the ball!... drag Dad...
 
Threatening Letters
The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped."

"Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?"

"Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue Service."
 
One Sunday morning,

a priestdecided to
do something a little different.
He said
'Today, in church, I am going
to say a single word
and you are going to
help me preach..
Whatever single word I say,
I want you to sing whatever
hymn that comes to your mind --
the pastor shouted out
'CROSS.'






Immediately
the congregation started singing in unison,
'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS..'

The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began
to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'

The pastor said 'POWER.'
The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'

The Pastor said 'SEX'
The congregation fell into total silence.

Everyone was in shock.
They all nervously began to look around at each other
afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden,
way from in the back of the church,
a little old 87 year old grandmother
stood up and began to sing
'MEMORIES.'




Pass this along and make someone smile today
(I just did).
Gotta Love Little Old Ladies.

Laugh... It burns calories
 
Newly Issued Alcohol Warnings
The American Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
 
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat B**** in the kitchen."
 
Little Johnny’s teacher was asking the class to name people by their famous quotes. She said who said “four score and seven years ago”, and little Susie an exchange student from Japan raised her hand and said Lincoln 1845. The teacher then asked, who said, “Ask not what your country and do for you”, to which Susie raised her hand again and said Johnson Kennedy. At that point Little Johnny who was pissed that he didn’t get a chance to say anything said, “f*** you jap”, to which the teacher asked, who said that and little Johnny said, Douglas MacArthur 1941.
 
Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise
some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.
After a few days, a young, attractive woman applied for the room and
explained that she was a model working in a nearby city center studio
for a few weeks. She said she would like the room from Mondays to
Thursdays but would pay for the whole week.
Doris showed her the house, and they agreed to start straight away.
"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I
have to take a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."
"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the
yard, and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and
fill it with hot water."
"What about you're husband?" asked the model.
"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings,"
replied Doris.
"Good," said the model. "Now that's settled, I'll go to the studio and
see you tonight."
That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris
prepared the bath for the model. After stripping her clothes, the
model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no
pubic hair. The model noticed Doris's staring eyes, so she smiled and
explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when
modeling swimwear or underclothes.
Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity, and he did not
believe her.
"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me,
tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open, and you can peek
in and see for yourself."
The next night, Fred left as usual, and Doris prepared the bath for
the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood
behind her. Doris looked toward the curtains and pointed toward the
model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and, wearing no
panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.
Later, Fred returned and they retired to bed.
"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred.
"Yes," he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But
why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"
"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've
seen me millions of times."
"Yes," said Fred, "I have -- but the rest of the dart team hadn't."
 
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