Humor

[opsspec1991]

A teacher asks each of her students what they need at home? Joey says "A computer."
Jimmy says "A new lawn mower."
Little Johnny pops up and says, "At my house we don't need nothing!"
The teacher asks him to think again carefully, as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies, “No I'm sure. When Obama was re-elected, I remember my dad saying, 'Well, that's the last fing thing we needed.’”

 

[opsspec1991]

This will make you laugh out loud!!!

What This Driver Did To An Elderly Woman Was Unthinkable?But How She Responded Was Priceless

 

[Rhino]

This will make you laugh out loud!!!

What This Driver Did To An Elderly Woman Was Unthinkable?But How She Responded Was Priceless

Too bad it was staged instead of real.

 

[opsspec1991]

Paul Lynde at his best on Hollywood Squares
These are really great have a look

 

[Rhino]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

 

[nontechguy]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

And the husband will be out of the hospital in a few weeks. He might even get the sight back in that eye. :sarcastic:

 

[opsspec1991]

A teacher asks each of her students what they need at home? Joey says "A computer."
Jimmy says "A new lawn mower."
Little Johnny pops up and says, "At my house we don't need nothing!"
The teacher asks him to think again carefully, as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies, “No I'm sure. When Obama was re-elected, I remember my dad saying, 'Well, that's the last fing thing we needed.’”

 

[opsspec1991]

A couple had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband’s habit of farting loudly first thing every morning as he woke up. The noise would shock his wife out of deep sleep and the odor would make her eyes water and cause her to gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards and all the spare parts—the gizzards, liver, and the neck—and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers down, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underwear and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a bloodcurdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture, she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey, you were right. All these years you’ve been warning me and I didn’t listen to you.”

“What do you mean?” asked his wife.

“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.”

“But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.”

 

[Rhino]

Never Argue With Children
.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible foe a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.
.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
.
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
.
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

 

[SR9]

Two old guys sitting on a park bench in silence. Finally one leans over towards the other and says, in a low voice, " Say buddy, are you gettin' any on the side?"
The second old guy replies in a low dry voice, "It's been so long, I didn't know they'd moved it".

 

[Rhino]

Jesus and Moses
.
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
.
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
.
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
.
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
.
'Moses,' replied the bird.
.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
.
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

 

[Rhino]

Link Removed

 

[opsspec1991]

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge.

So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey, Baby... whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive", George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked... "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Whythe heck are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.