Humor

Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 5 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
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Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
--------------------------------
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
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Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
--------------------------------
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
--------------------------------
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny g-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal? I got your sh!t wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people and if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not gettingwhat you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your arse and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Snowflake.
S Clizzy
--------------------------------
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
Timmy
--------------------------------
Timmy,
That's what I thought you little ass hole.
Santa
 
Interstate I-75 Closing for Coal transport


I-75 will be closed tomorrow across Tennessee and Kentucky. They are
hauling a 200 ton lump of coal to Mount Rushmore in South Dakota so they can
add Barack Hussein Obama to the Mount Rushmore monument.
Obama has stated on national TV that he believes himself to be the fourth
greatest U.S. President, behind Washington, Jefferson and Lincoln but
greater than Theodore Roosevelt. They had to settle for a material such as
coal, because they couldn't find a 200 ton piece of sh!t.
 
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When top level people look down, they see only ****-heads;
When the bottom level people look up, they see only assholes.
You will Never see another Flow Chart that describes politics so clearly.
 
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From A friend of mine

"Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever.Great stories. But two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize he was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard."
 
Always Wear Your Seat Belt
This old rancher in Montana hates wearing a seat belt, but one day he's driving on the highway with his wife and sees a state patrol car behind him.

He says to his wife, "Quick, take the wheel! I gotta put my seat belt on!"

So she does, and right then the patrolman pulls them over. He walks up to the car and says, "Say, I noticed you weren't wearing your seat belt."

The rancher says, "I was too, but you don't have to take my word for it-- my wife here is a good Christian woman, ask her; she'll tell you the truth. She doesn't lie about anything."

The cop says to the wife, "So? How about it, ma'am?"

And the wife says: "I've been married to Buck for twenty years, officer, and one thing I've learned in all that time is this - you never argue with him when he's drunk."
 
Not Much of A Man
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three members of a motorcycle gang walked in.

The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."
 
Great Truths About Life that Adults Have Learned
- Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

- There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

- Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

- The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires.

- Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.

- Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

- The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

- If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.

- Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

- You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
 
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer.

"**** Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night.
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!
 
At The Doctor's Office
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"
 
Blonde Logic
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking and one says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says, "The moon, obviously. I mean, can you SEE Florida?"
 
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
.
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”
.
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.
.
“Okay,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”
.
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
.
To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know crap?”
.
And then she went back to reading her book.
 
Only In America
Only in America ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America ... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering
Only in America ... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke.
Only in America ... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put, our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we will not miss a call from someone we did not want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America ... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America ... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America ... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
 
A man walks into bar, sits on a nearby stool and ganders at a large jug of money. Upon pondering, he asks the bartender, "How much money is in there?"
The bartender, with a gentle smile replied, "26,000,000.."
The man jumped up with his eyes about ready to emerge from their sockets. He asked, "So is it for the poor? Or is it lika a charity?"
The bartender shook his head."No no no! That money is for the first person to complete three tasks."
A little curious, the man said, "Is that so? Well, I'm sure I could get them done, so what are they?"
Grinning slightly, the bartender replied, "First task: You must chug down a 5 gallon bucket of beer. Second task: You must pull a rotten tooth from a wolf with rabies. Then for your final task, you must have sex with a 100 year old grandmother located upstairs."
The man gulped a little, but replied, "Well, that still sounds like a deal!"
The man chugged down the 5 gallon bucket of beer. Woozy, he told the bartender to take him out to the wolf with rabies. "Leave me here! This could get rough," the man said in a fluury of slurred words, as the bartender let him go and walked back in to tend to the custumers.
Minutes later he heard the wolf yelping and crying out. "Man, he must really have a thing with animals. He's probably pulled that tooth right out."
The bartender looked up in wonder as the man stumbled through the door and yelled in a drunken voice, "Now where's that old lady with the rotten tooth?"
 
Two couple were sitting on the porch one afternoon rocking in their rocking chairs. All the sudden the old man reaches over and slaps his wife.
She says, "Well what was that for?"
He says, "Thats for 40 years of rotten sex!"
She doesn't reply and they start rocking again.
All the sudden the old lady reaches up and slaps her husband.
He says, "Well what was that for?"
She says, "That's for knowing the difference!"
 
A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
 
The Grieving Wife
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that darned gun!'"
 
Splinters in her crotch


A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down."
 
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