Humor

[mmckee1952]

AN OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR SHUFFLED INTO TOWN LEADING A TIRED OLD MULE. THE OLD WOMAN HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE ONLY SALOON TO CLEAR HER PARCHED THROAT.


SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL. AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.

The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying, "Hey
Old WOMAN, have you ever danced?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF -STARTED HOPPING
AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.

WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL
LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.

THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR. THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.

THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER LICKED A MULE'S butt?

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MAAM... BUT... I'VE
ALWAYS WANTED TO."
THERE ARE A
FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid...

 

[thechief]

A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he’s going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.

"My darling," he writes, "it looks like we’re going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and we’re constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation’s terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."

His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don’t you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he says, "I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"

But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let’s see how well you play that harmonica."

 

[mmckee1952]

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK:
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4,STAY OUT OF THE WATER
5 . TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
6. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
7.DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
8.QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
9.DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
10. WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE,
AND TEE OFF

 

[mmckee1952]

Did I read that sign right?
In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER....... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).

 

[mmckee1952]

Link Removed I think this says it all, were doomed.

 

[Rhino]

You don't know Jack Schitt
.
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'! Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.
.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

 

[mmckee1952]

Little Harry

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'


Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog
does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

 

[mmckee1952]

Link Removed
What's really on a man's mind.

 

[mmckee1952]

Link Removed
I damed sure wouldn't try this twice.

 

[Rhino]

Moral quiz
.
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
.
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
.
THE SITUATION:
.
You are in Florida , Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
.
THE TEST:

Suddenly you see a black man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer.
.
Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's Barrack Obama! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.
.
YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS:
.
You can save the life of Barrack Obama or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful socialist Muslim man hell bent on the destruction of America.
.
THE QUESTION:
.
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer........
.
.
"Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

 

[mmckee1952]

Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The ******* funeral director would be my first guess."

 

[mmckee1952]

A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn't because she didn't have any clothes on. He replies, "Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!"
She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I'm sorry, I think he's too far in."

 

[mmckee1952]

A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off. He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says "What's up with your neighbors?" and the owner of the house says "Oh that's the Robinson's, they're both deaf. She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go f**k herself!"

 

[mmckee1952]

A Noise...
My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."

"That'll teach them!" I replied.

 

[mmckee1952]

Man and Wife
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

"OK," says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.

 

[Rhino]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no.
.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
.
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

 

[mmckee1952]

New Arizona Priest

A new priest, born and raised in Arizona, comes to serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No ****, what happened next?

 

[mmckee1952]

New information about aspirin:

For Immediate Release:

Effective Jan 1, 2013, aspirin will be heavily taxed under Obamacare. The only explanation given was that they are white and they work.
No other reason was given, but I thought you'd want to know about it.

 

[mmckee1952]

Bumper-Stickers Seen On Military Bases:

"When in Doubt, Empty The Magazine"

"Sniper -- You can run, but you'll just die tired!"

"Machine Gunners -- Accuracy By Volume"

"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything."

U.S. Army -- Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club."

" U.S. Air Force --Travel Agents To Allah"

"Stop Global Whining"

"Naval Corollary: Dead Men Don't Testify"

"The Marine Corps -- When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight"

"Death Smiles At Everyone -- Soldiers Smile Back"

"What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? A Little Recoil"

"Soldiers -- Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775"

"Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens Them"

"Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon"

"It's God's Job to Forgive Bin Laden -- It's Was Our Job To Arrange The Meeting"

"Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl"

"One Shot, Twelve Kills -- U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support "

"My Kid Fought In Iraq So Your Kid Can Party In College"

"A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy -- Blessed Be The Peacemakers"

 

[mmckee1952]

Class Trip
A student on a class trip to the natural-history museum asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard tells him, "Three-million-four years and six months old."

The student says. "How do you know that so precisely?"

The guard says, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."