mmckee1952
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What can I say, it's funny.
What can I say, it's funny.
Humor
- Thread starter mmckee1952
- Start date
mmckee1952
New member
An old man walked into a bar and ordered 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asked, "What's the matter?"
The old man said, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the old same man came in and ordered 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asked, "What's wrong this time?"
The old man said, "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same old man came in the bar and ordered 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asked, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looked up and said, "Apparently my daughter does."
The bartender asked, "What's the matter?"
The old man said, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the old same man came in and ordered 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asked, "What's wrong this time?"
The old man said, "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same old man came in the bar and ordered 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asked, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looked up and said, "Apparently my daughter does."
mmckee1952
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Every man has heard these words, One that was left off, "WE NEED TO TALK" which means your totaly screwed.
Every man has heard these words, One that was left off, "WE NEED TO TALK" which means your totaly screwed.
mmckee1952
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Well, I'm waiting...................
Well, I'm waiting...................
mmckee1952
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I don't know which is worse the allien or the human?
I don't know which is worse the allien or the human?
mmckee1952
New member
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It's never too late to warn true supporters of the 2A.
It's never too late to warn true supporters of the 2A.
Greggatshack
Member
#4. When a Vengeful God Misfires
From Cracked.com
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In 2008, right-wing evangelicals tried to keep the democrats out of the White House by turning God into a meteorological republican superweapon. The prophet behind Operation Weapons of Mass Destruction was Stuart Shepard of Focus on the Family. Stuart sent this video to his followers, urging that they pray for "biblical," "torrential," "I'm talking 'umbrella-ain't-going-to-help-you rain'" to fall on then-Senator Barack Obama during his acceptance speech on the last night of the 2008 Democratic National Convention.
So, how did Shepard's prayer-powered weather machine work? Let's put it this way ...
You see that floating nightmare drifting toward Houston like something out of Independence Day? That's Hurricane Gustav, and it was set to rock the faces off the National Convention like a meteorological Bon Jovi.
... the Republican National Convention, that is.
Gustav hit so hard the republicans had to shaft most of their speakers for the first night, including Vice President **** Cheney and President George W. Bush. The democrats, meanwhile, enjoyed such perfectly clear skies that you can't help but imagine God pulled the whole thing off just to tell republicans not to call him during dinner. It didn't last forever, though, since a thunderstorm warning forced President Obama indoors for his 2012 DNC speech four years later. But that was like getting shifted from first class to business compared to the second goddamn hurricane, which hit the 2012 RNC in Tampa, forcing republicans to reschedule and eventually cancel the first night of their second consecutive godforsaken ceremony. Jeez, God really doesn't take orders well, does he?
Read more: 5 True Stories That Will Make You Believe in Karma | Cracked.com
From Cracked.com
Link Removed
Getty
In 2008, right-wing evangelicals tried to keep the democrats out of the White House by turning God into a meteorological republican superweapon. The prophet behind Operation Weapons of Mass Destruction was Stuart Shepard of Focus on the Family. Stuart sent this video to his followers, urging that they pray for "biblical," "torrential," "I'm talking 'umbrella-ain't-going-to-help-you rain'" to fall on then-Senator Barack Obama during his acceptance speech on the last night of the 2008 Democratic National Convention.
So, how did Shepard's prayer-powered weather machine work? Let's put it this way ...
You see that floating nightmare drifting toward Houston like something out of Independence Day? That's Hurricane Gustav, and it was set to rock the faces off the National Convention like a meteorological Bon Jovi.
... the Republican National Convention, that is.
Gustav hit so hard the republicans had to shaft most of their speakers for the first night, including Vice President **** Cheney and President George W. Bush. The democrats, meanwhile, enjoyed such perfectly clear skies that you can't help but imagine God pulled the whole thing off just to tell republicans not to call him during dinner. It didn't last forever, though, since a thunderstorm warning forced President Obama indoors for his 2012 DNC speech four years later. But that was like getting shifted from first class to business compared to the second goddamn hurricane, which hit the 2012 RNC in Tampa, forcing republicans to reschedule and eventually cancel the first night of their second consecutive godforsaken ceremony. Jeez, God really doesn't take orders well, does he?
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"Any other requests? Wait, where are you going? Don't you want to order me to fix your buildings?"
Getty
"Any other requests? Wait, where are you going? Don't you want to order me to fix your buildings?"
Read more: 5 True Stories That Will Make You Believe in Karma | Cracked.com
Azimuth315
New member
A bus of tourists exploring New Zealand passed through a small town. On a corner near the center of town, tied to a lampost, was a sheep. One of the tourists asked the guide about the sheep tied to the lampost. The guide explained "Oh! that's the recreation center."
Greggatshack
Member
I'm sorry but that was a bit of a weak sheep joke - here's a better one...
A New Zealander buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The New Zealander doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The Man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn."
Greggatshack
Member
We in New Zealand don't praise Australians much but I do find this guy funny.
Here are his videos on deterring cats
Video 1
Here are his videos on deterring cats
Video 1
Greggatshack
Member
Here is the second one...
HoJo
New member
A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
After looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds. The breeze was warm and gentle, a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze, perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those "feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He said, "Take the dog for a walk."
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
After looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds. The breeze was warm and gentle, a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze, perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those "feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He said, "Take the dog for a walk."
gejoslin
Illegitimi non carborundu
Can you blame him! :biggrin:
nontechguy
New member
Oh ewe dog......
opsspec1991
Active member
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I Know it took me a while to see them also
I Know it took me a while to see them also
opsspec1991
Active member
Subject: Confucius Say
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets
exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . .
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
--
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets
exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . .
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
--
opsspec1991
Active member
What Not To Say To A Naked Guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. Oh no, a flash headache.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. (giggle and point)
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. Oh no, a flash headache.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. (giggle and point)
opsspec1991
Active member
There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".
So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.
So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.
The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."
Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".
Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".
So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.
So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.
The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."
Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".
Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".
opsspec1991
Active member
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Oh how true
Oh how true
opsspec1991
Active member
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A trillion here and a trillion there, sooner ot later it's going to add up.
A trillion here and a trillion there, sooner ot later it's going to add up.
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