Humor


Brian Williams is early for his interview with President Obama at the Oval Office. He hears some odd moans coming from inside the office, so he knocks and then opens the door. Obama is is on the sofa gasping and panting loudly. Brian Williams says, "What's the matter Mr. President?"

Obama says, "Uh, I think I'm having a heart attack."

Brian Williams then notices Reggie Love standing off to the side with his pants down. Williams is instantly filled with rage and screams, "Reggie, what the hell are you doing just standing there with your pants down? Can't you see the president is having a heart attack?"
 

"Doctor!" the Obama voter cried. "I keep seeing spots!"

The doctor scratched his head, paused for a moment, and asked, "Why have you come to me? Have you seen an ophthalmologist?"

"No," said the Obama voter. "Just spots."
 
An Obama voter and her husband are lying in bed, listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the neighbor's back yard barking for hours. The Obama voter jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this," and runs downstairs.

Sometime later, the Obama voter finally comes back up to bed
and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"

The Obama voter says, "I put the dog in OUR backyard. Let's see how THEY like it."
 
I went to a bar yesterday and told the bartender I heard a great joke about Obama voters.

The bartender said, "Hey, wait a minute. I voted for Obama. You see that guy at the end of the bar? He voted for Obama. You see that big guy at the other end of the bar? He voted for Obama. You see those two big union workers at that table? They voted for Obama. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?"

I said, "Well, no, not if I have to explain it five times."
 
After he was elected, Obama replaced all NASA employees with his Democrat supporters.

One day when a former employee came in to pick up his things, he noticed the new guys were working on a manned mission to the sun.

He said, "You do realize that your ship will burn up when it gets to the sun, right?"

An Obama supporter engineer replied, "Well, duh, that's why we plan on going at night."
 
I was in the public toilets and had just sat down.

A voice from the next cubicle said, “Hi!, how are you?”

Embarrassed, I said, “I’m doing fine”.

The voice said “So what are you up to?”.

I said, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here!”

From next door, “Can I come over?”

Annoyed, I said, "rather busy right now”.

The voice said, “Listen, I will have to call you back, there’s an idiot next door answering all my questions."
 
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because

I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute.". "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?". "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
 
Thanks for the jokes, they help start my day. Except when coffee through my nose requires me to change my shirt!
 
A couple had been married 15 years.
One afternoon they were working in the garden together.
As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, "Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now."
The husband, feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yard stick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt.
"Yep", he said, "Just as I thought; just about the same size."
The wife got very angry and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day.
That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it honey? How about a little lovemaking?"
The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.
"What's the matter?" he asked.
She replied, "You don't think I am going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie, do you?"
 
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife came up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"
 
Paddy goes to confessions, "Bless me father, I had sex with Fanny Green every wk for last month!". Priest gives him 5 Hail Marys for penance.

Murphy goes in next, "Bless me father, I had sex with Fanny Green twice a wk for the past month!". He gets 10 Hail Marys!

Priest enquires who this woman is and is told she is new in town.

Next morn at mass a beautiful woman sashays up the aisle wearing a green mini skirt and matching green shiny shoes! She sits in the front seat, her long slender legs slightly apart - Sharon Stone style! The priest and altar boy cannot take their eyes off her!

The priest composes himself and whispers to the altar boy "Is that Fanny Green?"

"No!", he says "I think its just the reflection off her shoes!".
 
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:


U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS
AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
 
On the way to the golf course on Saturday morning, Dave decided to stop by his Church, for confession.

(Dave)"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned"

(Father)"Would you like to tell me about it"

(Dave)"Well, I know I shouldn't have done it, but I had an affair with another woman"

(Father)"You know that is wrong, you should not have done that. You know better than to stray outside of your marriage. You should stop seeing her, and break all ties with her"

(Dave)"Not sure that is so easy to do, because she is a member of this Church."

(Father)"Can you tell me who it is, so I can pray for her?"

(Dave)"Can't do that"

(Father)"You need to tell me so we can help her too. These women also come to me"

(Dave)"I am not going to tell you"

(Father)"Then I will try to guess, was it Mrs. Williams?"

(Dave)"No it wasn't"

(Father)"Mrs. Smith?"

(Dave)"NO!"

(Father)"Mrs. O'Connell"

(Dave)"NO! I will NOT tell you!"

(Father)"Then you have to do penance, say three Hail Mary's, pray about this, and don't let it happen again"

On the golf course that afternoon...

(Richard)"Hi Dave! I tried to come pick you up this morning, but your wife said you had already left. Something about confession. So how was your day so far?"

(Dave)"The morning was just fine for me, I got three new leads..."
 
A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and puts the guy's **** in the clamp. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.

The man, terrified, screamed, "STOP! STOP! YOU'RE NOT GOING TO.. TO.. CUT IT OFF, ARE YOU???!?"

The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye:

"Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
 
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