Humor

Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black", the non racist version of "Snow White", has been put on hold .
All of the 7 dwarfs :
Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Car Jack, Drive By, Pimp and Wog, have refused to sing "Hi Ho"..

They also say they have no fing intention of singing "It's off to work we go "!
 
Two girls were bathing together. So one girl asked her mate, "How come you have very little pubic hair on your p*ssy?" The other girl replied with this question, "Hey, have you ever seen tall grass on a busy road?"
 
Baptizing A Drunk
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and
Subsequently bumps into the preacher. The
Preacher turns around and is almost overcome by
The smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk,
'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
'Yes I am' replies the drunk,
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk,
'Brother, have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.'
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into
The water again, but for a bit longer this time.
He pulls him out of the water and asks again,
'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'
The drunk again answers,
'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he
Dunks the drunk I n the water again, but this
Time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.
The preacher asks the drunk again,
'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
 
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."
 
Today I had to go to Sears. As I approached the entrance, I noticed
a driver looking for a parking space.

I flagged the driver and pointed out a handicap parking space that

was open and available.

The driver looked puzzled, rolled down her window and said, "I'm not
handicapped!"

Well, as you can imagine, my face was red! "Oh, I'm sorry" I said. "I saw

your Obama bumper sticker and just assumed that you suffer from a
mental disorder."

She gave me the finger and screamed some nasty names at me.

Boy! Some people don't appreciate it when you're just trying to help

them out!
 
At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.
They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses. They ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous.
She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses...."
 
mmckee1952 said:
Link Removed

I can just see the cars around him going nuts.
Click to expand...
Long ago when I was young I rode motorcycles. And I knew that if I shut the engine off while riding along at speed, waited an instant, then turned the engine back on it would create a gigantic backfire.

Well....

One day while riding down the freeway with a good friend from work I decided it would be funny if I were to get alongside him so we would be riding along side by side... then pretend to reach into my jacket and bring out my hand and finger and point at him like I had a gun... and make the bike backfire. Of course I had to do that several times...........................

Well .... ummmm....










Traffic completely disappeared around us and cars stayed wwwwaaaaaayyyyyy back behind us until we reached our exit several miles further.
 
A male whale and his mate were swimming around in the ocean, when all of a sudden, the male whale catches sight of a whaling vessel in the distance.

He takes a closer look, and recognizes it as the ship that harpooned his parents many years ago. So, he turns to his girlfriend and tells her that he wants to avenge the death of his parents. She hesitates, knowing that they could become the next victims of the vessel, but he reassures her and tells her that he has been planning this all of his life, and he swims over and whispers the plan to her.

So, she agrees and they swim up under one side of the boat, and they both start blowing air through their blow holes. The boat starts to rock back-and-forth, and the sailors on the ship are scrambling all over the deck.
Finally, the boat tips over, and the sailors are scattered through the ocean.

The male whale is delighted and starts to gobble-up the sailors, but the female whale starts to swim away.

So, the male whale swims over to her, and asks her, “What's wrong.”

She huffs and puffs and says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is no way I'm going to swallow seamen."
 
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen's pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

Then she beat the **** out of me....

Women have always been hard for me to figure out.
 
After the plane takes off, an Obama voter moves from coach to first class. The flight attendant tells him he can't just sit in first class like that. He yells, "I'm entitled. It's not fair for rich people to always get first class. I'm entitled and I'm flying first class to New York."

One of the pilots comes out when he hears the ruckus. The Obama voter yells, "I know what you're here for, and I'm not moving. I'm entitled to fly first class to New York."

The pilot leans over and says something to the man, after which the man gets up and goes back to his seat in coach. The flight attendant said, "That's amazing! What did you tell him?"

The pilot replied, "I told him first class isn't going to New York."
 
An Obama voter pushes his clunker into a gas station. He tells the mechanic it died. After the mechanic works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. The Obama voter says, "What's the story?" The mechanic replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" The Obama voter asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
 
Brian Williams is early for his interview with President Obama at the Oval Office. He hears some odd moans coming from inside the office, so he knocks and then opens the door. Obama is is on the sofa gasping and panting loudly. Brian Williams says, "What's the matter Mr. President?"

Obama says, "Uh, I think I'm having a heart attack."

Brian Williams then notices Reggie Love standing off to the side with his pants down. Williams is instantly filled with rage and screams, "Reggie, what the hell are you doing just standing there with your pants down? Can't you see the president is having a heart attack?"
 
"Doctor!" the Obama voter cried. "I keep seeing spots!"

The doctor scratched his head, paused for a moment, and asked, "Why have you come to me? Have you seen an ophthalmologist?"

"No," said the Obama voter. "Just spots."
 
An Obama voter and her husband are lying in bed, listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the neighbor's back yard barking for hours. The Obama voter jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this," and runs downstairs.

Sometime later, the Obama voter finally comes back up to bed
and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"

The Obama voter says, "I put the dog in OUR backyard. Let's see how THEY like it."
 
I went to a bar yesterday and told the bartender I heard a great joke about Obama voters.

The bartender said, "Hey, wait a minute. I voted for Obama. You see that guy at the end of the bar? He voted for Obama. You see that big guy at the other end of the bar? He voted for Obama. You see those two big union workers at that table? They voted for Obama. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?"

I said, "Well, no, not if I have to explain it five times."
 
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