Humor

Last Saturday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House... carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said, "Excellent trade, sir."
 
A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks down and says "You know that you have a steering wheel in your pants"

The pirate replies "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts"
 
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Quite right, if your thin skinned keep your pie hole shut and don't ask my opinion, because if you do expect a honest answer.
 
A farmer was working in his field...when a carload of politicians rounded the corner at high speed, lost control, and flipped into a ditch.

A few hours later, a state trooper pulled up and asked, "Excuse me sir, but did you happen to see a car full of politicians come through here?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I did, officer. They crashed over there," replied the farmer, gesturing towards a fresh mound of dirt.

"You BURIED them?" asked the officer in shock. "Were they dead?"

The farmer scratched his head. "Well, officer, few of them SAID they weren't, but... well, you know how those politicians , they always lie".
 
Gun Control. It already has started at Cabela's

There was a bit of confusion at the Cabela's Sporting Goods store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control whackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
 
A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE
drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking
advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said. . . "Your timing is
excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who
wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll
have to drive around in his 2013 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply
all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be
expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is
rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job,
satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her
mid-20s and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well......you started it."
 
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