Humor

[mmckee1952]

Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm an d the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table . His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

 

[mmckee1952]

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I'm surprised he even knows how to hold a shotgun.

 

[mmckee1952]

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Looks better on her than me.

 

[mmckee1952]

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What can I say, beer is better than water, because you know that fish F in the water.

 

[mmckee1952]

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Question, is it on ring or vibrate?

 

[mmckee1952]

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How much do you want to bet that Obama has one of these in his bedroom?

 

[mmckee1952]

A skinny little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.”

The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and starts shaking him. The big guy says, “What's wrong with you?” In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?”

The big dude says, “I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!"

 

[mmckee1952]

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First Ladies of France, Italy & America, OH how I'm so Fing proud.

 

[mmckee1952]

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Looks kind of natural don't you think?

 

[mmckee1952]

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Watch Out Rosie, you'll remove what little brains you have left.

 

[nevadaneal]

Morals test - read carefully



A Morals Quiz



This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.



By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.



The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.



Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.







THE SITUATION:



You are in Florida , Miami to be specific.



There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe



flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions.



You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're



caught in the middle of this epic disaster.



The situation is nearly hopeless.



You're trying to shoot career-making photos.



There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing



under the water.



Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.







THE TEST:



Suddenly you see a black man in the water.



He is fighting for his



life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.



You move closer.



Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's



Barrack Obama!



At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take



him under forever.



YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS:



You can save the life of Barrack Obama or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful socialist Muslim men hell bent on the destruction of America .



THE QUESTION:



Here's the question, and please give an honest answer........



"Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the



classic simplicity of black and white?"

 

[mmckee1952]

This is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how.. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.

 

[BC1]

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Watch Out Rosie, you'll remove what little brains you have left.

"She's a man, baby!" (Austin powers)

 

[BC1]

What's 12 inches long and hangs in front of an ass?
.
Al Sharpton's tie.

 

[mmckee1952]

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks: "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!" "OK...then I DEFINITELY S*** my pants..."

 

[AppliedPerspective]

Morals test - read carefully

A Morals Quiz

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.


THE SITUATION:
You are in Florida , Miami to be specific.
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.


THE TEST:
Suddenly you see a black man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer.
Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's Barack Obama!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.


YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS:
You can save the life of Barrack Obama or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful socialist Muslim men hell bent on the destruction of America.



THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer........
"Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?"

Two problems, newspapers don't have photojournalists anymore, they have journalists with cheap digital cameras. And second, DIGITAL. Shoot in RAW and sort out the color later. Just make sure your settings are right and you move into the best lighting position possible. Don't want to miss any details in that shot.

 

[HoJo]

Personally I would go with Ektachrome.

 

[mmckee1952]

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I think there outside my house right now.

 

[sensei9]

A friend of mine came home from work, and as he walked in the door, his wife jumps out of the closet naked and yells "Superpussy" My friend thinks for a second and then says "I think soup sounds good."
Thats when the fight started.
Doctor says he will be OK and out of the hospital next week.

 

[mmckee1952]

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Since I be votin’ fo' Obama,
My taxes done gone up,
My employer stop offerin' health insurance,
And my guns be taked away.
Damn you, George Bush!