Humor
- Thread starter mmckee1952
- Start date
mmckee1952
New member
Halloween is coming!
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him he hears:
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,
(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)
The coffin stops!
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him he hears:
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,
(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)
The coffin stops!
Bob_M
New member
An old woman visits her doctor to ask for his help in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance," says the old woman: "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," replies the doctor: "You've heard of Irish coffee, right?”
"Yes," replies the woman.
"Well," says the doctor: "make him an Irish coffee and slip Viagra into it. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
A few days later she calls the doctor and the poor dear exclaims: "Oh, faith! It was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups flying, ripped my clothes to tatters and took me then and there, on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why was it so terrible?" asks the doctor confused: "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"
"Oh, no, no, no, doctor. It was the best sex I've had in 25 years!" says the old woman: "but I'll never be able to show my face in Starbucks again."
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance," says the old woman: "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," replies the doctor: "You've heard of Irish coffee, right?”
"Yes," replies the woman.
"Well," says the doctor: "make him an Irish coffee and slip Viagra into it. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
A few days later she calls the doctor and the poor dear exclaims: "Oh, faith! It was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups flying, ripped my clothes to tatters and took me then and there, on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why was it so terrible?" asks the doctor confused: "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"
"Oh, no, no, no, doctor. It was the best sex I've had in 25 years!" says the old woman: "but I'll never be able to show my face in Starbucks again."
New Boss
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week? A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, I make $400 a week. Why?
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.
'Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the roomand asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did around here?
"From across the room came a voice,
'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week? A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, I make $400 a week. Why?
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.
'Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the roomand asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did around here?
"From across the room came a voice,
'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
