Humor

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London , and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!!

Irish Garda says,' License and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Irish Garda replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Irish Garda says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop. License And registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer with it and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
 
One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”

Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”

Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park…” then the electric power goes out.

Bob’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?”

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”
 
Square testicles

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
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After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.
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The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
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The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
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The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
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'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
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'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
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That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
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The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
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The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure. 'The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada!'
 
A guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender! The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey." The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says," 168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . . So he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey." Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "SO, .. . . you people . . . still happy . . . with Obama?"
 
It seems a liberal in a hot-air balloon is lost and late for an appointment and descends to ask a conservative for directions. The conservative pulls out a GPS device and tells him exactly where he is.

“You must be a conservative,” the balloon man says. The man on the ground asks how he knows that. The reply: “Everything you’ve told me is technically correct, I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I’m still lost. Frankly, you haven’t been very much help so far.”

The conservative replies that the balloon guy must be a liberal. How does he know? The punch line:

“You don’t know where you’re going or where you’ve been, you’ve risen to where you are on hot air, and you made a promise that you have no idea how to keep. Now you expect me to solve your problems. The fact is, you’re in the same place you were before we met and now it’s my fault!”
 
Link Removed

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…
 
gejoslin said:
Link Removed

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…
Click to expand...
Do you play for real?
 
ARE YOU A DEMOCRAT, REPUBLICAN, OR REDNECK?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Colt Model 1911 45 cal. automatic pistol, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:

Democrat’s Answer :

Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?

………………………………………………………………..

Republican’s Answer:
BANG!

…………………………………………………………………..

Redneck’s Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click….. (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click…..
Daughter: “Nice group, Daddy!
Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Soft Points?”
Son: “Can I shoot the next one Daddy, you messed this one up a bit.
Wife: “You ain’t taking that to the Taxidermist.”
 
Q: What is the definition of "burning love"?
A: It's when at night you reach out for the Vaseline gel and pick up Vicks Vaporub by mistake.
 
A family of three are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says

"Don't worry. That was an insect."

To which one of the boys replies "Was it? Wow! I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
 
Husband and wife were waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of your STICK, we'd be riding the bus..! so shut the f*ck up !!
 
The Lighter Side of the Ammo Shortage
Ammo is getting scarce!
This morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo.
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked,
"What kind of ammo 'ya got?"
 
A Great Way To Clean Your Toilet!!!

Great Directions here for a real clean toilet!!! easy too!!!!

1. Lift both lids on your toilet bowl and add a couple of capfuls of shampoo to the water.

2. Go to the other room where the cat is sleeping, pick it up and soothe it while you carry it towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (You may need to stand on the lid, afterwards). The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)

4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse")

5. Have someone open the closest door to the outside (Be sure that no one is between the toilet and the outside door.)

6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

7. The cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where it will dry itself. After this procedure, both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean!

Sincerely, The Dog
 
TROUBLE AT THE BORDER..

A guy traveling through *Canada* on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.
"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.
"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.
"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other. "This I gotta see," replied the agent.
With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.
"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to "Chicago"
"Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago ?
The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."
 
You Will Probably Want to See This Saturday Night Live Skit Mocking the Obamacare Website
Late night comedy show “Saturday Night Live” opened up last night’s program with a skit aimed at mocking the glitch-ridden rollout of President Barack Obama’s signature health care program.
You Will Probably Want to See This Saturday Night Live Skit Mocking the Obamacare Website
Late night comedy show “Saturday Night Live” mocked the glitch-ridden healthcare.gov website last night. (Image Source: SNL)
The skit, featuring actress Kate McKinnon impersonating Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius, focused its ire on the health exchange’s website, which Obama has acknowledged “isn’t working as well as it should.”
“A lot of folks have been talking about our health care enrollment website,” Sebelius said. “Now it’s been crashing and freezing and shutting down and stalling and not working and breaking and sucking. Well, tonight, I have a number of friendly tips to help you deal with those technical problems.”
“For example, have you tried restarting your computer?” she continued.
“Unfortunately, the site was only designed to handle six users at a time.”
After running through the “troubleshooting” tips, the HHS Secretary explained high volumes of traffic are to blame for the site’s glitches.
“If our website still isn’t loading properly, we’re probably just overloaded with traffic,” Sebelius said. “Millions of Americans are visiting healthcare.gov, which is great news. Unfortunately, the site was only designed to handle six users at a time.”
She then suggested a solution.
“Consider using our low-res website, with simpler fonts and graphics,” Sebelius said, adding that users could also try “signing up in a different language” if the English site isn’t working.
Ending the skit, the HHS Secretary warned users not to do certain things on the website “or you will die,” but the screen froze as she delivered the vital information.
Watch the skit:
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Drive up cash machine

MALE PROCEDURE

* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.
* 2 Put down your car window.
* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
* 6 Put window up.
* 7 Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
* 1 Drive up to cash machine.
* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.
* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down.
* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
* 5 Turn the radio down.
* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine.
* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine.
* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
* 9 Insert card.
* 10 Re-insert card the right side up
* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
* 12 Enter PIN.
* 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
* 14 Enter amount of cash required.
* 15 Check make up in rear view mirror.
* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt.
* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
* 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook.
* 19 Re-check make-up again.
* 20 Drive forwards 2 feet.
* 21 Reverse back to
* 22 Retrieve card.
* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind.
* 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off.
* 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
* 27 Release Parking
 
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