Humor


Ventriloquist
>
> A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show
> in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going
> through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
>
> Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts
> shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you
> think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What does the
> colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's
> men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in
> the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people
> like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your
> kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but
> women in general... pathetically, all in the name of humour!"
>
> The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:
>
> "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little **** on your lap!"
 

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.

As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us!"

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing the bouncer a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said,

"A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
 
Ways to Stay Stressed
Are you worried now about how to stay stressed? You'll have no trouble if you practice the following clinically proven methods:
NEVER EXERCISE. Exercise wastes a lot of time that could be spent worrying.
EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT. Hey, if cigarette smoke can't cleanse your system, a balanced diet isn't likely to.
GAIN WEIGHT. Work hard at staying at least 25 pounds over your recommended weight.
TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS. The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar, and cola will continue to do the job just fine.
GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL SUPPORT SYSTEM. Let the few friends who are willing to tolerate you know that concern yourself with friendships only if you have time, and you never have time. If a few people persist in trying to be your friend, avoid them.
PERSONALIZE ALL CRITICISM. Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work, family, dog, house, or car is mounting a personal attack. Don't take time to listen, be offended, then return the attack!
MALES AND FEMALES ALIKE - BE MACHO. Never ever ask for help, and if you want it done right, do it yourself!
BECOME A WORKAHOLIC. Put work before everything else, and be sure to take work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself that vacations are for sissies.
DISCARD GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS. Schedule in more activities every day than you can possibly get done and then worry about it all whenever you get a chance.
PROCRASTINATE. Putting things off to the last second always produces a marvelous amount of stress.
WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN'T CONTROL. Worry about the stock market, earthquakes, the approaching Ice Age, you know, all the big issues.
BECOME NOT ONLY A PERFECTIONIST BUT SET IMPOSSIBLY HIGH STANDARDS......and either beat yourself up, or feel guilty, depressed, discouraged, and/or inadequate when you don't meet them.
THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR. Staying stressed is no laughing matter, and it shouldn't be treated as one.
 
For some dumb reason I like this post and will be sure to keep those recommendations in mind.

mmckee1952 said:
Ways to Stay Stressed
Are you worried now about how to stay stressed? You'll have no trouble if you practice the following clinically proven methods:
NEVER EXERCISE. Exercise wastes a lot of time that could be spent worrying.
EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT. Hey, if cigarette smoke can't cleanse your system, a balanced diet isn't likely to.
GAIN WEIGHT. Work hard at staying at least 25 pounds over your recommended weight.
TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS. The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar, and cola will continue to do the job just fine.
GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL SUPPORT SYSTEM. Let the few friends who are willing to tolerate you know that concern yourself with friendships only if you have time, and you never have time. If a few people persist in trying to be your friend, avoid them.
PERSONALIZE ALL CRITICISM. Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work, family, dog, house, or car is mounting a personal attack. Don't take time to listen, be offended, then return the attack!
MALES AND FEMALES ALIKE - BE MACHO. Never ever ask for help, and if you want it done right, do it yourself!
BECOME A WORKAHOLIC. Put work before everything else, and be sure to take work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself that vacations are for sissies.
DISCARD GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS. Schedule in more activities every day than you can possibly get done and then worry about it all whenever you get a chance.
PROCRASTINATE. Putting things off to the last second always produces a marvelous amount of stress.
WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN'T CONTROL. Worry about the stock market, earthquakes, the approaching Ice Age, you know, all the big issues.
BECOME NOT ONLY A PERFECTIONIST BUT SET IMPOSSIBLY HIGH STANDARDS......and either beat yourself up, or feel guilty, depressed, discouraged, and/or inadequate when you don't meet them.
THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR. Staying stressed is no laughing matter, and it shouldn't be treated as one.
Click to expand...
 
Arresting Mom
A police recruit was asked on an exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

In the blank, he wrote, "Call for backup."
 
Only an Aussie could pull this one off ! A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland ..

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles.. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy"...
 
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I Take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the Garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for
a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

( YOU'RE GONNA LOVE
THIS!!!!!!!!! )

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block,
so another dog is pushing her home."
 
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~

( I LOVE THIS ONE! )
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
~~~~~

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~


God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
~~~~~

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:

"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
 
THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "Oh THANKS! I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

The man turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
 
Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing
surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my
favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an
accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed
a private concert for the Queen of England.

The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an
arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years
later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several
years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana
and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an
hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and
the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's a
senator from New York. :biggrin:
 
A trip to Home Depot determines your age
.
You are in the middle of a few projects around at your home: putting in a new fence, painting the basement walls, putting in a new garden. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of these projects you realize you need to run to Home Depot for supplies. Depending on your age you might do the following:
.
.
In your 20s:
.
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favourite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line.
And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
.
.
In your 30s:
.
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else.
Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
.
.
In your 40s:
.
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute is almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's spicy.
.
.
In your 50s:
.
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't
want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt any more because it makes you look fat.
The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember -- the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms '
.
.
In your 60s:
.
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.
.
.
In your 70s:
.
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.
.
.
In your 80s:
.
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead.
You went to school with the old lady greeter.
You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and think someone called your name.
.
.
In your 90s & beyond :
.
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I post this? Did you? Who farted?
.
.
(I hope they fix the software soon. Putting periods in for line spacing is getting old fast)
 
Golden Saloon
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where in tarnation have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - heck, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!"
 
mmckee1952 said:
Link Removed
Why I'm not a Greeter
After landing my new job as a Bunnings greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
Link Removed
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Bunnings."
I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Don't be F**cking stupid. Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one is 9 and the other one is 7.

Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind or just stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone f**ked you twice.

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings."

My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
Click to expand...

lol :laugh: !!!
 
Stance Adjustment
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...

"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
 
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the TexasHighway Patrol.The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did, he has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only
see one ear! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.”

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only One eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
 
Halloween Quick Funnies
Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist? To improve his bite...

Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road? It had no guts...

Why do witches use brooms to fly on? Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...

How do witches keep their hair in place while flying? With scare spray...

Who was the most famous French skeleton? Napoleon bone-apart

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately...

Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town? Because they don't have any body to go out with...

What do ghosts add to their morning cereal? Booberries...

What is a vampire's favorite sport? Casketball...

What is a vampire's favorite holiday? Fangsgiving...

What would a monster's psychiatrist be called? Shrinkenstein...

What did one ghost say to the other ghost? "Do you believe in people?"

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? A cereal killer...

Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends? They're so wrapped up in themselves...

What kind of streets do zombies like the best? Dead ends...

What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving? Fasten your sheet belts...

What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation? A blood vessel...

What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation? A scareplane...

What type of dog do vampire's like the best? Bloodhounds...

What is a ghoul's favorite flavor? Lemon-slime...

What does a vampire never order at a restaurant? A stake sandwich...

What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument? A trombone...

What do birds give out on Halloween night? Tweets...

Why do vampires need mouthwash? They have bat breath...

What's a vampire's favorite fast food? A guy with very high blood pressure...

Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal? He heard it had great circulation...
 
After 30 years of marriage a couple was lying in bed when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then moved down past the small of her back.
.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost postion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.
.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?"
.
He said "I found the remote."
 
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