Humor


Rhino said:
Comparison of AK, AR-15, and Moisin-Nagant

AK: It works though you have never cleaned it -- ever.
AR: You have $9 per ounce special non-detergent synthetic Teflon infused oil for cleaning.
MN: It was last cleaned in Berlin in 1945. Maybe.

AK: You are able to hit the broad side of a barn from inside.
AR: You are able to hit the broad side of a barn from 600 meters.
MN: You can hit the farm from two counties over.

AK: Cheap magazines are fun to buy.
AR: Cheap magazines melt.
MN: What's a magazine?

AK: Your safety can be heard from 300 meters away.
AR: You can silently flip off the safety with your finger on the trigger.
MN: What's a safety?

AK: Your rifle comes with a cheap nylon sling.
AR: Your rifle has a 9 point stealth tactical suspension system.
MN: Your rifle has four dog collars tied end-to-end.

AK: Your bayonet makes a good wire cutter.
AR: Your bayonet is actually a pretty good steak knife.
MN: Your bayonet is longer than your leg.

AK: You can put a .30" hole through 12" of oak, if you can ever hit it.
AR: You can put one hole in a paper target at 100 meters with 30 rounds.
MN: You can knock down everyone else's target with the shock wave of your bullet going downrange.

AK: When out of ammo your rifle will nominally pass as a club.
AR: When out of ammo, your rifle makes a great wiffle bat.
MN: When out of ammo, your rifle makes a supreme war club, pike, boat oar, tent pole, or firewood.

AK: Recoil is manageable, even fun.
AR: What's recoil?
MN: Recoil is often used to relocate shoulders thrown out by the previous shot.

AK: Your sight adjustment goes to "10", and you've never bothered moving it.
AR: Your sight adjustment is incremented in fractions of minute of angle.
MN: Your sight adjustment goes to 12 miles and you've actually tried it.

AK: Your rifle can be used by any two bit nation's most illiterate conscripts to fight elite forces worldwide.
AR: Your rifle is used by elite forces worldwide to fight two bit nations' most illiterate conscripts.
MN: Your rifle has fought against itself and won every time.

AK: Your rifle won some revolutions.
AR: Your rifle won the Cold War.
MN: Your rifle won a pole vault event.

AK: You paid $350.
AR: You paid $900.
MN: You paid $59.95.

AK: You buy cheap ammo by the case.
AR: You lovingly reload precision crafted rounds one by one.
MN: You dig your ammo out of a farmer's field in Ukraine and it works just fine.

AK: You can intimidate your foe when you fix bayonet.
AR: Your can give your foe a good laugh when you fix your bayonet.
MN: You can bayonet your foe on the other side of the river without leaving the comfort of your hole.

AK: Service life, 50 years.
AR: Service life, 40 years.
MN: Service life, 100 years, and counting.

AK: It's easier to buy a new rifle when you want to change cartridge sizes.
AR: You can change cartridge sizes with the push of a couple of pins and a new upper.
MN: You believe no real man would dare risk the ridicule of his friends by suggesting there is anything but 7.62x54R.

AK: You can repair your rifle with a big hammer and a swift kick.
AR: You can repair your rifle by taking it to a certified gunsmith and it's under warranty!
MN: If your rifle breaks, you can buy a new one.

AK: You consider it a badge of honor when you get your handguards to burst into flames.
AR: You consider it a badge of honor when you shoot a sub-MOA 5 shot group.
MN: You consider it a badge of honor when you cycle 5 rounds without the aid of a 2x4.

AK: After a long day the range you relax by watching "Red Dawn".
AR: After a long day at the range you relax by watching "Blackhawk Down".
MN: After a long day at the range you relax by visiting the chiropractor.

AK: You can accessorize you rifle with a new muzzle brake or a nice stock set.
AR: Your rifle's accessories are eight times more valuable than your rifle.
MN: Your rifle's accessory is a small tin can with a funny lid, but it's buried under an apartment building somewhere in Budapest.

AK: Your rifle's finish is varnish and paint.
AR: Your rifle's finish is Teflon and high tech polymers.
MN: Your rifle's finish is low grade shellac, cosmoline and Olga's toe nails.

AK: Your wife tolerates your autographed framed picture of Mikhail Kalashnikov.
AR: Your wife tolerates your autographed framed picture of Eugene Stoner.
MN: You're not sure there WERE cameras to photograph Sergei Mosin.

AK: Late at night you sometimes have to fight the urge to hold your rifle over your head and shout "Wolverines!"
AR: Late at night you sometimes have to fight the urge to clear your house, slicing the pie from room to room.
MN: Late at night, you sometimes have to fight the urge to dig a fighting trench in the yard to sleep in.
Click to expand...


Dude, couldn't even read this out loud to my co-workers I was laughing so hard!!!
 

A nun saw a young teenaged girl washing her hands in the holy water...
The nun asked the young teen; "What are you doing?? Why are you washing your hands in the holy water??"

The teenaged girl answered; "My mother caught me touching my boyfriends private parts. She was so angry! She instructed me to wash my hands with the holy water to cleanse away my sins!"

The nun responded; "Really?? Well then I guess that is a pretty good idea! Step aside young lady, I need to gargle!" :laugh:
 
Found on the Refrigerator One Morning:
>
> My Dear Wife,
> You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57
> years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
> you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter,I hope that you
> will
> not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my
> 18
> year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
> upset----I shall be home before midnight.
>
> When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on
> the
> dining room table:
>
> My Dear Husband,
> I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
> about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
> remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math
> teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
> read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
> students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
> and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who
> has an
> excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same
> situation, although with one small difference-18 goes into 57 a lot more
> times
> than 57 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime
> tomorrow.
 
THE HAIRCUT

Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
 
FOX NEWS BOWS TO THE PRESSURE Fox News is already cowering down to the President.....

In response to President Obama's complaint that FOX News doesn't show
enough Black and Hispanic people on their network, FOX has announced
they will now air " America 's Most Wanted" TWICE a week.

I don't care who you are, that's funny!
 
Good Quote


Better thanthe one-linersthe late night talk show hosts get off:

"If we wantto keep our nation's secrets a 'SECRET'then we should storethem where President Obama stores his college transcripts and birth certificate."

Gov. Mike Huckabee
 
Subject: PARAPROSDOKIANS

>> (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the
>> latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected;
>> frequently humorus.
>>
>> 1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
>>
>> 2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
>>
>> 3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright
>> until you hear them speak.
>>
>> 4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
>>
>> 5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
>>
>> 6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
>>
>> 7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it
>> in a fruit salad.
>>
>> 8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to
>> tell you why it isn't.
>>
>> 9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
>> research.
>>
>> 10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my
>> desk is a work station.
>>
>> 11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
>>
>> 12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of
>> emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
>>
>> 13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
>>
>> 14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
>> street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

>> 15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
>> successful man is usually another woman.
>>
>> 16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
>>
>> 17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute
>> to skydive twice.
>>
>> 18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live
>> with.
>>
>> 19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so
>> they can't get away.
>>
>> 20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
>>
>> 21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
>>
>> 22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you
>> hit the target.
>>
>> 23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
>>
>> 24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
>>
>> 25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing
>> in a garage makes you a car. Amen
>>
>> This one makes sense.
>>
>> I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder
>> for me to find one now.
>>
 
Two Jews walk into a bar... they bought the place.

What do you get when you cross an eskimo a gay and a black? A snowblower that won't work.





Of course I'm always politically correct. :no:
 
BC1 said:
Two Jews walk into a bar... they bought the place.

What do you get when you cross an eskimo a gay and a black? A snowblower that won't work.





Of course I'm always politically correct. :no:
Click to expand...

You ever watch Warehouse 13 on the Syfy channel? In this week's episode Saul Rubinek's character says "Oh great, a Jew and black woman go to a fancy country club. All we need is a priest and horse and we can do the whole joke."
 
A Texas cop stopped an elderly woman for speeding.

He asked for her driver's license, and proof of insurance. The old gal took out the required information and handed it to him.

He was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a concealed handgun-carry permit. He asked if she had a weapon in her possession at the time.

She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. He asked her if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console.

The cop asked her if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. He then asked her what was making her so afraid she felt the need to carry weapons.

She looked him right in the eye and said, "Not a darn thing!"
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A REAL TEAR JERKER

This is for all the grandfathers out there.

Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant. My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grand-son asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little
ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.
With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass you grouchy old Bit*h! "

The End
 
Last edited:
EIGHT THOUGHTS TO PONDER:





Number 8



Life is sexually transmitted.





Number 7



Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.





Number 6



Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.





Number 5



Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years





Number 4



Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.





Number 3



All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.





Number 2



In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.





And The Number 1 Thought



Life is like a jar of Jalapeño peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.





- - - and as someone recently said to me:



"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."
 
One sunny day in January, 2013, an old man approached the
White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where
he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would
like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President
and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and again just walked away.

The third day the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."The Marine,
understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is
the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've
told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer
resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love
hearing it." The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said,
"See you tomorrow, Sir.

Delete ReplyReply ForwardMovePrint Actions NextPrevious
 
A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.
As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"

The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?"
The man says, "It's in my yard now so it's my ball."
The golfer looks at the man and says, "I understand."
He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the man's yard.
The man asks, "Why did you do that?"
The golfer replies, "I consider myself a gentleman, and I believe every prick should have two balls."
 
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