Humor

THE UNDERTAKER'S BLACK EYE
Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.

"What happened to you?" asked his wife

"I had a terrible day." replied Roy . "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had
died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body
bag because he had this huge erection.

Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with

this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."

"I see" said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?"

Roy replied: "Wrong room."
 
Getting old is a *****!

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!


An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam..

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and
bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office
and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc,
it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with
her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first
with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
 
Life's Observations
1. Marriage changes passion; suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

2. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

3. I have my own little world. But it's OK, they know me here.

4. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

5. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

6. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

7. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

8. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

9. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a couple of bucks at the bowling alley.

10. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

11. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

12. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
 
T-shirts I've liked:

Am I getting older or is the supermarket playing great music?

Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?

Too many people with solutions are the problem

Doesn't Expecting The Unexpected Make The Unexpected The Expected?

Growing Old Is Mandatory. Growing Up Is Optional

I'm Not Old. I'm Olde

With Luck & Planning I'll Retire At 149

If A Man Speaks In A Forest, And There Is No Woman There To Hear Him, Is He Still Wrong?

It's Better To Have Loved & Lost Than To Live With The Psycho The Rest Of Your Life

Some Days, It's Not Even Worth Chewing Through The Restraints

Manure Occureth

I'm Not Mean. You're Just A Sissy

If YOU don't talk to your CAT about catnip, who will?

I Don't Skinny Dip I Chunky Dunk

Don't Take Life So Seriously. It Isn't Permanent

I eat three servings of vegetables per day - Ketchup, Ketchup & Ketchup

Is It Me Or Is This Place A Festival Of Idiots?

Yet, despite the look on my face, you're still talking

Tell Me Again How Lucky I Am To Work Here. I Keep Forgetting

I Try To Take One Day At A Time, But Sometimes Several Days Attack Me At Once

OC - Overly Caucasion - Do Not Place On A Dance Floor

Mess With Me You Mess With The Whole Trailer Park

E is for Ediot

You Be More Interesting. I'll Be More Interested

Save Trees: Don't do homework!

I'm sick of being my wife's arm candy

They say I have A.D.D. but they just don't understand. Oh Look! A chicken!

Work For God. the retirement benefits are great

I'm Retired, You're Not - Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah…

Home Of The Free Because Of The Brave

Sarcasm, Just One More Service I Offer

I'm Confused? Wait, Maybe I'm Not

Can't You See I'm Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Busy?

I'd Listen To You, But Ignoring You Is so Much Easier

It Gets Worse. I Have Children

You Don't Get A Body Like This By Working Out

Support Wildlife. Throw A Party!

The More Things Change, The More They Remain Insane

You Remind Me Of Someone. I Really Liked That Dog

Please Turn The Other Cheek So I Can Kick Your Butt

To Reduce Stress - Avoid Excitement. Spend More Time With Your Spouse

The Day God Made Dog. He Just Sat Down And Smiled

Give Me Ambiguity Or Give Me Something Else

All Generalizations Are False. Including This One

I Won't Rise To The Occasion, But I'll Slide Over To It

Gravity Always Wins

When All Else Fails...Tell The Truth And Run

Anger Management Support Group (President)

Selective Listener

Shut Up Voices Or I'll Poke You With A Q-Tip Again

Psycho Girlfriend Magnet

333 - I'm Only Half Evil

On The Journey Of Life I Chose The Psycho Path

I Came, I Saw, I Duct Taped

Dain Bramaged

Fishing & Beer: Sometimes You Have To Get Back To The Basics

My Indian name is Runs With Beer

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway

Everyone Has The Right To Be Stupid, But You're Abusing The Privilege

At My Age, Even My Birthday Suit Needs Pressing

It's Never Too Late To Have A Happy Childhood

Et Tu Dufus?

Who Are You And Why Are You Reading My Shirt?

Instant Human. Just Add Coffee

My Mind's Been Gone For Years

I'm Really A God. But No One Realizes It Yet

I Make Only Good Mistakes

You Can't Scare Me - I Have A Two Year Old

Good Morning Is An Oxymoron

Deadlines Amuse Me

Things To Do Today: 1. Get Up. 2. Survive. 3. Go Back To Bed.

If You're Too Open Minded, Your Brain Will Fall Out

Everything I say is fully substantiated by my own opinion

Of course I'm in Great Shape - I play Rock, Paper, Scissors

Chocolate: The cat nip of the female world

Geezer (formerly known as "Stud Muffin")

What If The Hokey Pokey Really Is What It's All About?

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall…. What The *#$*! Happened?!?

I'm sorry, but I don't know any words small enough for you to understand

Danger: Mouth operates faster than brain

A Good Lawyer Knows The Law. A Great Lawyer Knows The Judge

You Can't Scare Me…I'm A Teacher

You Don't Gnome Me!

Crazy Enough for a Post Office Job

Life Is Too Short To Cook For You People

I Didn't Say It Was Your Fault. I Said I Was Going To Blame You

I Teach, Therefore You Think

If I'm Talking, You Should Be Taking Notes

A Team Effort Is A Lot Of People Doing What I Say

If You Think Nobody Cares, Try Missing A Few Payments

Here's A Little Hint. I Don't Care!

Some Days You're The Bug. Other Days You're The Windshield

The villagers are coming with torches and pitchforks. Please hide me

I'm Lost But I'm Making Good Time

Always Being Right Is An Awesome Responsibility

Hear it let's for dyslexia!

Have You Seen My Marbles?

What is The Speed Of Dark?

Let The Praise For My Cooking Begin

I'm Not Bald. Heavy Thinking Burned My Hair Off

I Hate That You Don't Salute Me

Can You Beer Me Now?

Maturity Is Overrated

I'm Not Bossy. I Just Know What You Should Be Doing

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

When All Else Fails - manipulate the data

Obey Gravity. It's The Law

When You're Right No One Remembers. When You're Wrong No One Forgets

It IS As Bad As You Think, and they ARE out to get you

I have multiple personalities and none of them like you

I Never Get Lost. People Always Tell Me Where To Go

The Difference Between Genius and Stupidity Is That Genius Has Its Limits

It Matters Not Whether You Win Or Lose. It Matters Whether I Win Or Lose

Make it Idiot Proof and Someone Will Make a Better Idiot

Ignorance Is not A Barrier To Self-Expression

If You're Happy And You Know It, Go Away!

It Sounded Better In My Head

Will Someone PLEASE Steal My Identity?

What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

If you don't have something nice to say, a blank stare usually gets the point across

I'm Not Fluent In Idiot, So Please Speak Very Slowly To Me

Some lead. Some follow. I laugh.

A Closed Mouth Gathers No Feet

We Have Enough Youth. How About A Fountain Of Smart?

Gray Hair Is God's Graffiti

You Remind Me Of Someone…I Don't Like Them Either

Age and Treachery Will Triumph Over Youth and Skill

Do you really think they're laughing with you?

Old friends are best. They know everything about you (but they can't remember it).

Change Is Good. You Go First.
 
Men can say it best...in just a few, quick words.

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There's no need to remind him about it every 6 months.

I heard a guy complaining about how expensive his wedding is. He's really going to be pissed when he finds out how much his divorce is going to cost.

My mother-in-law's coming ... I had to clear out half my closet so she could have a place to hang upside down and sleep.

NASA's robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer or porn. This proves that men are not from Mars.

I once won an argument with a woman ... in this dream I had.

I'm writing a book about reverse psychology ... Please don't buy it.

I tried exercise, but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.

My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.

I want one of those jobs where people ask, "Do you actually get paid for doing this?"

If your wife or girlfriend ever asks, "If I were to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" ... Never give two names.

It's funny when my girlfriend gives me the 'silent treatment'. She thinks it's a punishment.

If there was a way to read a woman's mind, I'm not sure I'd want to. I hate shoes, shopping and gossip, and I already know I'm annoying.

There's nothing worse than realizing the vacation you just planned is going to be during the same week as her period.

Men have feelings too. For example, we feel hungry.

Judging by the frying pan that just flew by my head, I did something wrong ... I can't wait to find out what it was.
 
Vasectomy
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a

very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to

take all of his clothes off.

When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the

table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and

climbs on top and has her way with him.

Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks

what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies

have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the cord is easier for the surgeon to

locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.

While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.

Curious, the man asks," What are they doing in there"?

The nurse responds, " They're preparing for vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross, and they have Obama Care."
 
Murphy's Law - The Tech Version
* All great discoveries are made by mistake.

* Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.

* Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

* All's well that ends.

* A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

* A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

* Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.

* After all is said and done, a heck of a lot more is said than done.
 
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.

As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment.

They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too.
 
Late Night Funny #1
Top Ten Signs It's Time For A Flight Attendant To Retire

10. Steps onto the plane and says, "What did I come in here for?"

9. Brags about nailing Orville Wright

8. Beats unruly passengers with instructional seatbelt

7. In-flight movie is footage of his latest colonoscopy

6. Spends most of the flight smoking

5. Heats passengers' dinners in his pants

4. Never attends rehearsal and barely pays attention to own show. (Oh, I'm sorry, that's a sign I should retire)

3. The pilot is his great-great-grandson

2. Has not experienced the 'full upright position' in years

1. Spends most flights talking to an empty seat

David Letterman
 
This morning Tom Brokaw had to be taken to the hospital after accidentally taking an Ambien sleeping pill. And tonight he was taken to the hospital again after accidentally listening to a speech by Joe Biden.

Conan O'Brien
 
> God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
> the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to
> tell the difference. Now that I'm older (but refuse to grow up) here's
> what I've discovered:
>
> 1. I started with nothing, and I still have most of it.
>
> 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and Allbran..
>
> 3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
>
> 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
>
> 5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
>
> 6. If all is not lost, where is it. It is easier to get older than to get
> wiser.
>
>7. Some days you're the dog, some days you're the fire hydrant.
>
>8. All reports are in, life is now officially unfair.
>
> 9. I wish the buck stopped here, I sure could do with a few.
>
>10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents
>
>11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
>
>12. Its hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
>
> 13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you are
> in the bathroom.
>
>14. If God wanted me to touch my toes he would have put them on my
> knees.
>
>15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide
> to play chess.
>
>16. Its not hard to meet expenses - they're everywhere.
>
>17. The only difference between a rut and the grave is the depth.
>
>18. These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter, I
> go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
>
>19. I am unable to remember if I have mailed this to you before or not.
>
> 20. Now I think you are supposed to send this to 5 or six, maybe 10,
> oh heck send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who
> they are.
 
What the teacher says and (what the teacher means)
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
(He was caught cheating on a test).

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.
(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).

7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
(He's a bully).

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
(He must have written the Whiner's Guide).

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).

13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking).
 
18. These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter, I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
Click to expand...

This one reminds me of a bit in the Muppet Show. They had a thing where they'd have a bunch of Muppets dancing in a ballroom cracking one liners at each other. In one of them the guy (I think it was Floyd) says "Do you believe in the hereafter?" to which the gal he's dancing with replies "yeah." He comes back with "Good, then you know what I'm here after."
 
Signs You've Eaten Too Much
10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.

9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.

8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.

7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.

6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.

5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"

4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.

3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.

2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.

1. You're sweatin' gravy.
 
When I Was Your Age
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.

Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

They reached the ninth fairway, and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and hit the ball right smack into the top of the tree trunk, where it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally been.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
 
Finally! Some TRUTH on the internet!!!

My faith in Internet stories has been restored.

Link Removed

Above is a picture of the new world record whitetail buck. It was taken by the cousin of a co-worker's sister's uncle's best friend's son-in-law's niece's hairdresser's neighbor's ex-boyfriend's oldest nephew. Reportedly it will score 2603-1/8 by B&C standard and was shot in West Texas on a really windy day, 85 degrees downhill, around a curve at 900 yards with a .22 cal. rifle.

Supposedly, this deer had killed a Brahma bull, two Land Rovers, and six Jehovah's Witnesses in the last two weeks alone. They said it was winning a fight with Bigfoot when it was shot. It has also been confirmed that the buck had been seen drinking discharge water from a nuclear power plant.

All this has been checked and confirmed by my friends at Snopes.

Honestly and Sincerely,
Barack H. Obama
 
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