Humor

A New Senior Medicare Program

Medicare
Part X ​

You're a sick senior citizen and the
government says there is no nursing home available for you. So
what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a
gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot four
Politicians.

Of course, this means you will be sent to
prison where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your
head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care
you need.

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's
great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They're all
covered.

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit
you as often as they do now.

And who will be paying for all
of this? It's the same government that just told you that they
cannot afford for you to go into a home.

And you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you are at it.

Plus, and
because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.

Is this a great country or what?​
 
Ringo said:
Medicare
Part X ​

You're a sick senior citizen and the
government says there is no nursing home available for you. So
what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a
gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot four
Politicians.

Of course, this means you will be sent to
prison where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your
head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care
you need.

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's
great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They're all
covered.

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit
you as often as they do now.

And who will be paying for all
of this? It's the same government that just told you that they
cannot afford for you to go into a home.

And you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you are at it.

Plus, and
because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.

Is this a great country or what?​
Click to expand...

Sounds like a plan. LOL
 
A blonde decides she wants to go ice fishing. So she goes to the library and reads and researches ice fishing. Then she goes to the sporting goods store and buys everything she needs.
Then she finally thinks she is ready so she goes out to the ice and starts drilling a hole. Suddenly she hears a voice from up above. It says: "There are no fish under the ice."
So she decides to go farther down on the ice. She starts drilling and she hears the voice again: "There are no fish under the ice."
So she packs up her things and moves down the ice again. She starts drilling and she hears the voice again, "There are no fish under the ice." "Is that you Lord?" she says.
"No," says the voice, "I'm the manager of the ice hockey rink."
 
After examining an old lady, the doctor said to her, “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”

“In fact, I do,” said the old lady. “After I have sex with my husband, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with him the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”

After examining her elderly husband, the doctor said, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” The old man replied that he had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to him, “Your wife had an unusual concern. She claims that she is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?”

“Oh that crazy old fart…” he replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January!”
 
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.
So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”
 
FINALLY, the guys' side of the story. ( I MUST ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.)

WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE

NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE

THESE ARE OUR RULES!

PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH. IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.

1.. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...

PASS THIS TO AS MANY MEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A LAUGH...

PASS THIS TO AS MANY WOMEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A BIGGER LAUGH, BECAUSE ITS TRUE!
 
This is an Oldie but a Goodie.
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fuking badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR Fuking BADGE!"
 
Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat, which sank the same day that John's wife died. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John.

"I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."

"Hell, no! In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle."

The poor old woman fainted.
 
Meeting with the IRS

A rich old man gets audited by the IRS saying they need him to come in and fix his taxes. The old man calls his lawyer and heads to the IRS.
Once there, the IRS agent said,”Well I’ve noticed that you don’t have a job listed, and yet you still make a lot of money. What’s your secret?”
The old man replied, “I win a lot of money making bets.”
The agent says, “What do ya mean?”
The old man said, “Okay, I’ll bet ya 50$ I can bite my eye.”
The agent says, “How ridiculous. You’re on.”
So the old man then takes out his fake eye and bites it. The agent, befuddled at what happened was speechless.
The old man then said, “Alright, double or nothing, I bet you I can bite my other eye.”
The agent, thinking to himself, though, ‘Alright, I saw this guy walk in here without a cane. No way he could be blind.’ So the agent says, “Fine. Double or nothing.”
The old man then takes out his dentures and bites his other eye. Furious, the agent claimed how he was cheating. The old man said, “Calm down, calm down. Now a bets a bet. Here’s your last chance. Double or nothin. I bet I can stand on your desk and pee straight into your trash bin without getting a drop on the floor.”
The agent thought, ‘Okay, no way he could do that. No way. The bin is about ten feet away. There’s gonna be some excess drops. The agent says, “You’re on.”
The old man then proceeds to get on the desk, zip down his zipper and proceeds to go everywhere. Absolutely everywhere, all over the desk, the agents papers, the computer, everywhere except the trash bin.
The agent, jumping with joy cries, “Ha! You lost!”
The old man smiles while he watches his lawyer pull out his checkbook.
The agent says to the lawyer, “Hey, what are you doing? Why do you look so down? I got my money back!”
The lawyer said solemnly “While we were waiting for the meeting, my client here,” as he gestures toward he old man, “bet me ten thousand dollars that he’d be able to get on your desk and pee all over your office and that you’d be happy about it!”
 
God says to Adam, “I have some good news and some bad news, what do you want to hear first?”

Adam says, “Tell me the good news first.”

God says, “I’m going to give you a ***** and a brain. From these two gifts you will derive great pleasure and great intellect.”

“Wow, God,” Adam replies, “that’s great. But what’s the bad news?”

God says, “I’m only going to give you enough of a blood supply to work one at a time.”
 
At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.

While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sweden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sweden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".

She says, "Yaaah in Sweden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."
 
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband came into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!

TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going 2 STICK! Careful.. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget that. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
 
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a
pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the
girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why
don't you have a seat? "Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're
planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go
to the soda shop or a movie. "Why don't you two go out and screw? I
hear all the kids are doing it! " Naturally, this comes as a quite a
surprise to Bobby? so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat himself. "Yeah,"
says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all
night if we let her! "A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in
her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost
breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front
door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams
the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad, it's called the
twist! "
 
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. "I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "We don't have any!" "But I always buy it here," says the blonde "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist. "YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant" Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container......... . . . (Wait for it). . . . . . . . . . . "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
 
A son asked his mother the following question:

'Mom, why are wedding dresses white? ' The mother looks at her son and replies:
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white? '
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
The husband is still in intensive care and the prognosis is not good!!
 
THE HISTORICAL ORIGIN OF THE MIDDLE FINGER

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!" Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother, pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in
conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter. It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".
 
Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back,just before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to blot herself with, so she took her panties off, used them and discarded them. The second, not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a nearby flower wreath.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out; it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..."
The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, "We will never forget you."
 
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