Merry Christmas (warning, slightly adult)


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Most years for quite awhile now I have written a Christmas poem based on the "Night before Christmas" cantor. They have ranged from deeply inspirational to fully off color but always presented in the spirit of jest and freindship. I had not written one as of a few days ago when I started receiving emails from colleagues all over the place saying "where is this years poem?" So over the past few days I cobbled one up and it is getting good acclaim from my crazy freinds so I decided to share it here as some of you may have the personallity to enjoy it.

OK, it does use slightly off color language which may violate the letter of the forum rules, however I am claiming literary licenses and hope that the forum powers will allow it to post in the spirit it is meant.



Twas the weekend before Christmas and my ass just got canned
I was working stock at the big box when I mouthed off to the man
Like the fool that I must be I told him to get screwed
Then I made a slight gesture that they say was quite lewd

They had brought in six pallets of the most worthless crap
Then wanted displayed right next to gift wrap
There was room for six boxes without blocking the floor
But they said to just do it, and then to do more

My ass had just had it, I freely can say
When I decided enough crap had hit me that day
So when I saw that the boss was down in isle five
I gotten suddenly happy and felt so alive

I threw down my price gun and started to walk
To the end of the isle where they stood just to talk
And was ready to give him the best piece of my mind
And I reached really deep with all the strength I could find

When suddenly outside their arose such a clatter
I looked toward the glass doors to see what was the matter
There were throngs of pissed shoppers in the cold winters night
But there in the middle was a really odd sight

A dude dressed in red decked with faux fur of white
A weird pointy had that nearly glowed in the night
Wide belt of black and slick leather boots
He was either plain flaming, or just one major hoot

He sat in the crowd with a big old red sleigh
And eight stinky reindeer set to pull him away
The crowd was all set to just pummel the dude
When some kid yelled, that’s Santa and that lightened mood

Right, said the guy next to who’s car he did sit
There’s reindeer crap everywhere, who needs this shit
So unless someone can tell me a good reason why
I’m taken his ass out, this sucker must die

That got things all rowdy and crazy again
And I felt I must stop it, and that is just when
I turned past the boss and did head toward the door
As the boss yelled, get back here, there’s stock on the floor

But I did not listen as I ran in the night
I got into the crowd and got into the fight
I grabbed the stick just before it hit Santa’s head
As the dude that was swinging said that’s it, now YOUR dead

As he turned to face me Santa pulled on the reigns
“On Dancer, On Blitzen and the rest of your names
Get your ass in the air and my butt in the sky
Before that bastard right there kills me and this guy”

An the sleigh took off skyward, Santa grabbing my hair
Drug me into the slay as it rose in the air
Just as the stick made an impact on lower right rail
We were off, we were safe, if our power didn’t fail

As we soared in sky, I realized Santa was real
And he thanked me for helping him out in that deal
We banked left and flew over the crowd down below
The ass with the stick and my boss just starting to know

That as tough as they thought they were on that night
The magic of Christmas was now in their sight
And all of the things that thought were not real
Suddenly scared them, as they realized the deal

If Santa was real and this sleigh now did fly
Then there must be much more than being a tough guy
And maybe they better reassess how they live
And maybe, just maybe, should learn how to give

But in the end, I met Santa as we flew from that spot
We made one more low pass over that same parking lot
As Donder and Blitzen relieved themselves of some “gas”
We yelled as it splattered the crowd … MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU ASS!

Well, I, for one, certainly enjoyed your rendition of this popular Christmas poem, 2beararms! A poet in our midst! Nicely done...

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