- Always keep your gun pointed in a safe direction, such as at a hippy or a communist.
- Dumb children may get a hold of your guns and shoot each other. If your children are dumb, put them up for adoption to protect your guns.
- No matter how responsible he seems, never give your gun to a monkey.
- If guns make you nervous, drink a fifth of whiskey before heading to the range.
- When unholstering your weapon, it is customary to say, "Excuse me while I whip this out!"
- Don't load your gun unless you are ready to shoot something or someone, or are just feeling generally angry.
- If your gun mis-fires, never look down the barrel to inspect it. Have somone else do that for you.
- Never use your gun to pistol-whip someone. This could mar the finish.
- No matter how excited you are about buying your first gun, do not run around yelling, "I have a gun! I have a gun!"
- And the most important rule of gun safety: Don't piss me off!
Although I could have changed a lot of these to fit the current political situation, I left them alone. Have fun!