Oh, there's Hillary...


New member
Ok, this is for fun. I found this article and in sharing it, I'll do a "Paul Harvey's - Rest of the Story" through out.

If you want to read the plain-jane boring version from some media sap, here's the link. My version will be funnier, however.

Link Removed

WASHINGTON (Reuters) – U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton on Thursday rejected suggestions she had been sidelined by President Barack Obama, her rival for last year's Democratic presidential nomination.

With media reports swirling that Clinton's influence has been usurped by the National Security Council, the top U.S. diplomat insisted she played an important role in crafting the foreign policy agenda, reporting from the janitor's closet of a vacant Schenectady, NY warehouse, where Clinton has exceeded her boss' expectations by keeping the warehouse floor buffed to a mirror-like sheen.

"I really stay focused on the work that I do. I broke my elbow when I accidently slipped on my freshly mopped floor, not my larynx. I have been deeply involved in the shaping and implementation of our foreign policy," she told reporters. "It's true. You can ask Bill if you don't believe me. If you can find him. Say, how'd you find ME anyway?"

"I don't really pay a lot of attention to what is said," Clinton said of several commentaries speculating she was being sidelined. "I jam out to 'NSYNC' with my headphones on while I'm mopping, er, shaping foreign policy. I can't really hear much of what's said. They disconnected the dish at this building years ago. There's no TV here. Why? What are they saying anyway?"

Since she slipped and broke her elbow last month, Clinton has been forced out of the limelight, canceling two foreign trips and undergoing intense physical therapy, which coincidentally is mopping with only one hand.

On Wednesday, Clinton gave what the State Department billed as a major foreign policy speech at the prestigious Council on Foreign Relations, but she broke no new ground. In fact, she was alone in the building, except for Juanita, her 'assistant secretary of state.' Juanita speaks no English, but nodded in agreement the speech was indeed 'major' and 'long.'

Several media commentators have noticed Clinton's less public profile, with "The Daily Beast's" Tina Brown describing the former New York senator as the "invisible woman at State." There were rumors of a movie in the works on this phenomenon, until Hollywood discovered this "invisible woman" was not a Marvel Comics rehash.

"It's time for Barack Obama to let Clinton take off her burqa," Brown wrote. Washington Post columnist Jim Hoagland said Obama's top advisers -- not Clinton -- were crafting his foreign policy. Those "top advisers" are clearly Saudi, Jordanian and African Muslims and many Europeans, with one guy that may possibly be American, if their staff technicians can master PhotoShop.

Much of the traditional shuttle diplomacy is being handled by a phalanx of special envoys, including veteran diplomat Richard Holbrooke who leads Afghanistan-Pakistan efforts as well as Middle East envoy George Mitchell. Clinton was unaware of which building THEIR janitor's closets, er - offices were in. She hasn't seen them since 2008.

Vice President Joe Biden, whom Clinton sees most Tuesdays for breakfast when he picks her up to take her to Golden Corral to gloat, also has taken the lead in such areas as Iraq policy. Even Clinton had to bite her lip as she described how incredibly stupid this guy Biden is. She quipped, "this guy is SO forgettable, I pay Juanita $5 every Monday to remind me of his name on Tuesday before we go eat. But we car-pool in Juanita's 1989 Honda Civic because we're economically and environmentally minded. Right, Juanita?" "Verdad."

Foreign policy expert Ned Walker, a former ambassador to Israel and Egypt, said it was too soon to judge whether Clinton was being excluded from major foreign policy decisions. "When the wax dries on that third coat, and when the inspectors file their findings, we'll be better able to determine Clinton's abilities to participate in such lofty matters. You need a Coke, maybe a Sprite? Hillary!"


Walker said there was a natural rivalry between the State Department and the National Security Council particularly in the early months of a new presidency. Since breaking her elbow, the State Department's softball team has been trounced in three straight outtings, which is all the more impressive considering the Security Council's team is comprised of soccer-playing Muslims who cannot throw a ball to save their village.

"Their physical proximity to the president naturally gives the NSC a boost," said Walker. "It is way too early to count her out." When asked to elaborate on "physical proximity," Walker initially declined to answer, but grinned like schoolgirl sneaking a smoke in the bathroom. "You know. They're close."

For its part, the White House rejects suggestions that Clinton is not a major player or that Obama is not listening to the one-time frontrunner he beat like a camel in the Democratic Party's presidential race last year.

"They enjoy a very close relationship. I think the Secretary of State is somebody who the president relies on greatly," White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said. "One can never underappreciate the value of a high-gloss warehouse floor. Heck, we may even USE that building again someday. For something."

"The notion that there's some rift or disagreement is nothing more than silly Washington games," he added. "You silly reporters, pretending to be interested in your facts and truth. You're just silly. Listen to your President. He cares for you."

Clinton leaves for what she's being told is a weeklong trip to India and Thailand on Thursday and she listed other events in the coming weeks, including meetings in Washington with top Chinese officials and a planned visit to Africa in early August. In September she gets to go to Six Flags with Juanita and her nine kids, thirteen grandkids, and six other 'unspecified family members.' Clinton is really hoping NSYNC tours again soon too.

"I think I will just do the work and make the contribution," she said. "I feel very honored and positive about my working relationship with the White House and in my personal relationship with President Obama." Demonstrating her passion and commitment, Clinton put on her headphones, grabbed her mop with her one good hand, and resumed her duties as Secretary of State. "Get busy living, or get busy dying," she quotted while working the corners around the drinking fountain like the veteran she is.


Jesus - Our Greatest HOPE
Very funny AZSATT. I hate to admit it but I would rather have her as president instead of the usurper we have now. And I think she is the anti-Christ.

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