Military Humor
- Thread starter harvey13118
- Start date
HeadHunter1-3
New member
my turn
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A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant Marines. They come to the bar and order five bottles of beer and ten glasses. They take their order over and sit down at a large table. The caps are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon three more Marines arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more Marines show up and soon their voices are are joined in raising the roof, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally the tenth Marine comes in with a picture under his arm, he walks over to the table, and sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.
Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit the bartender asks one of the Marines, "Whats all the chanting and celebration about?"
The Marine who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that Marines are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought this puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"
That one is for you jardevilheaddogs:biggrin:
A 2LT was walking home from work one day, when he noticed a little boy sitting on the sidewalk.
The little boy was playing with a pile of shit. Curious, the 2LT walked over to the little boy and asked him "Why are you playing with a pile of shit?" The little boy replied "I'm building an NCO". The 2LT, amused by this, ran back to the company to get his captain. Upon returning to the little boy, who was still playing with the pile of shit, the Captain asked "Son, what are you doing?" The little boy looked up at him and said " I'm building an NCO". The captain being equally amused insisted that they return and get the 1SG. When the three returned the little boy, still playing with his pile of shit, was asked by the 1SG "Son, what are you doing?" The little boy again replied "I'm building and NCO". "Why are you building an NCO?" asked the 1SG. The little boy paused and responded "Because I don't have enough shit to build an officer"
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A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant Marines. They come to the bar and order five bottles of beer and ten glasses. They take their order over and sit down at a large table. The caps are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon three more Marines arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more Marines show up and soon their voices are are joined in raising the roof, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally the tenth Marine comes in with a picture under his arm, he walks over to the table, and sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.
Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit the bartender asks one of the Marines, "Whats all the chanting and celebration about?"
The Marine who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that Marines are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought this puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"
That one is for you jardevilheaddogs:biggrin:
A 2LT was walking home from work one day, when he noticed a little boy sitting on the sidewalk.
The little boy was playing with a pile of shit. Curious, the 2LT walked over to the little boy and asked him "Why are you playing with a pile of shit?" The little boy replied "I'm building an NCO". The 2LT, amused by this, ran back to the company to get his captain. Upon returning to the little boy, who was still playing with the pile of shit, the Captain asked "Son, what are you doing?" The little boy looked up at him and said " I'm building an NCO". The captain being equally amused insisted that they return and get the 1SG. When the three returned the little boy, still playing with his pile of shit, was asked by the 1SG "Son, what are you doing?" The little boy again replied "I'm building and NCO". "Why are you building an NCO?" asked the 1SG. The little boy paused and responded "Because I don't have enough shit to build an officer"
cgwaterdawg68
New member
You forgot the best one....
Hold my beer and watch this
Hold my beer and watch this
OldOwl
New member
I knew there had to be a joke section someplace. :laugh:
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing - the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50-50%.
A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
God Bless the enlisted man.
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing - the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50-50%.
A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
God Bless the enlisted man.
Treo
Bullet Proof
join the army national guard, travel to distant, exotic forign lands, meet exiting,interesting people, AND KILL THEM (but only on weekends):biggrin:
sswells36
sswells36
How to Tell the Difference Between the Branches of the US Armed Forces!
If you give the command "SECURE THE BUILDING", here is what the different services would do:
The NAVY would turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The ARMY would surround the building with defensive fortifications, tanks and concertina wire.
The MARINE CORPS would assault the building, using overlapping fields of fire from all appropriate points on the perimeter.
The AIR FORCE would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy the building.
If you give the command "SECURE THE BUILDING", here is what the different services would do:
The NAVY would turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The ARMY would surround the building with defensive fortifications, tanks and concertina wire.
The MARINE CORPS would assault the building, using overlapping fields of fire from all appropriate points on the perimeter.
The AIR FORCE would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy the building.
sswells36
sswells36
Which Service has the Dumbest Officers? *
•Well, in the Coast Guard the officers stay nice and dry on land, while the enlisted people head out to sea in all sorts of weather.
•In the Army, the officers stand behind the troops and shout, "Attack!"
•In the Navy, the officers stand on the bridge and steer the ship into action.
•In the Marine Corps, the officers stand in front of the troops and shout, "Attack!"
•And in the Air Force? Well, the officers go off to battle in their pretty flight suits, flying their expesnive toys, while the enlisted people head for the club for a long one.
* Or, conversely, the smartest enlisted people.
•Well, in the Coast Guard the officers stay nice and dry on land, while the enlisted people head out to sea in all sorts of weather.
•In the Army, the officers stand behind the troops and shout, "Attack!"
•In the Navy, the officers stand on the bridge and steer the ship into action.
•In the Marine Corps, the officers stand in front of the troops and shout, "Attack!"
•And in the Air Force? Well, the officers go off to battle in their pretty flight suits, flying their expesnive toys, while the enlisted people head for the club for a long one.
* Or, conversely, the smartest enlisted people.
sswells36
sswells36
The Army and the Air Force Try to Work Together
There's an Air Force guy driving from McChord to Ft Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Ft Lewis to McChord. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says,....."Man, I am really lucky to be alive!"
Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, ..... "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"
The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says,...... "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals"
The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, ...... "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck"
So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.
He says to the Army guy, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship"
The Army guy replies, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, "Your turn!"
The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."
There's an Air Force guy driving from McChord to Ft Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Ft Lewis to McChord. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says,....."Man, I am really lucky to be alive!"
Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, ..... "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"
The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says,...... "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals"
The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, ...... "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck"
So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.
He says to the Army guy, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship"
The Army guy replies, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, "Your turn!"
The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."
.45 Ben
I Eat Lobsters
Oh man,nice joke about all the (alternative lifestylers) being enlisted.
Tackleberry561
Tackleberry
Awesome !!!
Jarheadcool
New member
A Marine and Sailor are sitting in a bar arguing about who is better and who has done more for the world. The sailor has a smile come over his face and says "we invented sex".The Marine looks defeated but after a second or two he gets a smile on his face and retaliates with "well we introduced it to women"
Grognard Gunny
New member
Aw. Don't pick on the USMCTS! (United States Marine Corps Tranportation Service)
GG
GG
Grognard Gunny
New member
S&W645
NRA Life Member
I could name a few other things the Navy calls them too.:biggrin:
Jarheadcool
New member
The Marine Corps is a department of the Navy. The Men's department!
Grognard Gunny
New member
Grognard Gunny
New member
Old ex-Chief and I got into a "gentlemanly" exchange of insults on another forum a few months ago. I forgot exactly what evoked his retort, but it amounted to how Marines always stand behind the Navy in line.
I replied that I had learned NOT to ever go behind the Navy for anything during my first tour..... particularly, the head, sick bay, chow line and whore houses. Guaranteed to "catch" something! LOL!
GG
I replied that I had learned NOT to ever go behind the Navy for anything during my first tour..... particularly, the head, sick bay, chow line and whore houses. Guaranteed to "catch" something! LOL!
GG
Lakeland Man
New member
This may be the wrong time of the year, but still funny. I've updated it for 2011.
MEMORANDUM FROM: MG CLAUS, Commander, Joint Arctic Operations
Detachment Subject: Distinguished Visitor
Date: Thursday, December 15, 2011
1. An official visit by MG Santa (NMI) Claus is expected at this
headquarters 25 December 2011. The following instructions will be
in effect and govern the activities of all personnel during the
visit:
a. Not a creature will stir without official permission. This will
include indigenous mice. Special stirring permits for necessary
administrative actions will be obtained through normal command
channels. Mice stirring permits will be obtained through the office
of OSURG, Veterinary Services.
b. Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior
to 2200 hours, 24 December 2011. Uniform for the nap will be:
Pajamas, cotton, light, drowsing, with kerchief, general purpose,
camouflage; and Cap, camouflage w/ear flaps. Equipment will be drawn
from CIF prior to 1900 hours, 24 December 2011.
c. Personnel will utilize standard ration sugar plums for visions
to dance through their heads. This item will be drawn from the
servicing dining facility.
d. Stockings, wool, cushion sole, will be hung by the chimney with
care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fire hazards
caused by carelessly hung stockings. Unit Safety Officers will
submit stocking hanging plans to this headquarters prior to 0800
hours, 24 December 2011, ATTN: AEAGA-S, for approval.
e. At the first sign of clatter from the lawn, all troops will
spring from their beds to evaluate noise and cause. Immediate action
will be taken to tear open the shutters and thrown open the window
sashes. ODCSOPS Plan (Saint Nick), Reference LO No. 3, paragraph 6c,
this headquarters, 2 February 2009, will be in effect to facilitate
shutter tearing and sash throwing. Division chiefs will familiarize
all personnel with procedures and are responsible for ensuring that
no shutters are torn open nor window sashes thrown prior to start of
official clatter.
f. Prior to 2400, 24 December 2011, all personnel will be assigned
"Wondering Eye" stations. After shutters are thrown and sashes are
torn, these stations will be manned.
g. ODCSLOG will assign one each Sleigh, miniature, M-66, and eight
(8) deer, rein, tiny, for use of MG Claus' driver who, in accordance
with current directives and other applicable regulations, must have
a valid SF 46 properly annotated by Driver Testing; be authorized
rooftop parking; and be able to shout "On Dasher, on Dancer, on
Prancer and Vixen, up Comet, up Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen."
2. MG Claus will enter quarters through standard chimneys. All
units without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M-6, for use
during ceremonies. Chimney simulator units will be requested on
Engineer Job Order Request Form submitted to the
Furniture Warehouse prior to 19 December 2011, and issued on
DA Form 3161, Request for Issue or Turn- In.
3. Personnel will be rehearsed on shouting "Merry Christmas to all
and to all a good night." This shout will be given on termination of
General Claus' visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility
of division chiefs.
CHRISTOPHER K. RINGLE
Colonel, USA
OIC, Special Services
MEMORANDUM FROM: MG CLAUS, Commander, Joint Arctic Operations
Detachment Subject: Distinguished Visitor
Date: Thursday, December 15, 2011
1. An official visit by MG Santa (NMI) Claus is expected at this
headquarters 25 December 2011. The following instructions will be
in effect and govern the activities of all personnel during the
visit:
a. Not a creature will stir without official permission. This will
include indigenous mice. Special stirring permits for necessary
administrative actions will be obtained through normal command
channels. Mice stirring permits will be obtained through the office
of OSURG, Veterinary Services.
b. Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior
to 2200 hours, 24 December 2011. Uniform for the nap will be:
Pajamas, cotton, light, drowsing, with kerchief, general purpose,
camouflage; and Cap, camouflage w/ear flaps. Equipment will be drawn
from CIF prior to 1900 hours, 24 December 2011.
c. Personnel will utilize standard ration sugar plums for visions
to dance through their heads. This item will be drawn from the
servicing dining facility.
d. Stockings, wool, cushion sole, will be hung by the chimney with
care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fire hazards
caused by carelessly hung stockings. Unit Safety Officers will
submit stocking hanging plans to this headquarters prior to 0800
hours, 24 December 2011, ATTN: AEAGA-S, for approval.
e. At the first sign of clatter from the lawn, all troops will
spring from their beds to evaluate noise and cause. Immediate action
will be taken to tear open the shutters and thrown open the window
sashes. ODCSOPS Plan (Saint Nick), Reference LO No. 3, paragraph 6c,
this headquarters, 2 February 2009, will be in effect to facilitate
shutter tearing and sash throwing. Division chiefs will familiarize
all personnel with procedures and are responsible for ensuring that
no shutters are torn open nor window sashes thrown prior to start of
official clatter.
f. Prior to 2400, 24 December 2011, all personnel will be assigned
"Wondering Eye" stations. After shutters are thrown and sashes are
torn, these stations will be manned.
g. ODCSLOG will assign one each Sleigh, miniature, M-66, and eight
(8) deer, rein, tiny, for use of MG Claus' driver who, in accordance
with current directives and other applicable regulations, must have
a valid SF 46 properly annotated by Driver Testing; be authorized
rooftop parking; and be able to shout "On Dasher, on Dancer, on
Prancer and Vixen, up Comet, up Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen."
2. MG Claus will enter quarters through standard chimneys. All
units without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M-6, for use
during ceremonies. Chimney simulator units will be requested on
Engineer Job Order Request Form submitted to the
Furniture Warehouse prior to 19 December 2011, and issued on
DA Form 3161, Request for Issue or Turn- In.
3. Personnel will be rehearsed on shouting "Merry Christmas to all
and to all a good night." This shout will be given on termination of
General Claus' visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility
of division chiefs.
CHRISTOPHER K. RINGLE
Colonel, USA
OIC, Special Services
