Military Humor


NRA Endowment
Thought we might use a little non serious stuff now and then.


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'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal
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'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US. Air Force Manual
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'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons.' - General Mac Arthur
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'You, you, and you .. Panic. The rest of you, come with me.'
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
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'Tracers work both ways.' - U.S. Army Ordinance
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'Five second fuses only last three seconds.' - Infantry Journal
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'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
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'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do'
- Unknown Marine Recruit
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'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.'
- USAF Ammo Troop
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'Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil.
For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
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'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
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'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
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'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter
-- and therefore, unsafe.'
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'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have
enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
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'Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club.'
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'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
If ATC screws up, ... The pilot dies.'
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'Never trade luck for skill.'
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words),
in aviation are:
'Why is it doing that?'
'Where are we?'
And 'Oh Shit!'
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'Airspeed, altitude and ideas.
Two of the three are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
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'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation;
we have never left one up there!'
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'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight
to a person on the ground incapable of understanding
or doing anything about it.'
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'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world;
it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
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Airman, maintain thy air speed lest the earth rise up and smite you!
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'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
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'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'
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'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it
takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn
off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives;
the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

Hey don't forget," If it don't move paint it.

And as Msgt. Mario M. Mercado once said" If I find drugs in my barracks,I will fry you, like a fried egg,on a hot rock, in

Drill SGT. says"You don't know how good you have it,We used to do the police call in the low crawl position.

What about sending the new recruit up to supply, to get me some flight line,and grid squares??
The good old days...
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We use to send newbies to the hull techs for a HT punch on board ship.

We have sent newbies to supply for batteries for the chem lights.:wacko:
Artificially sweetened plums are authorized for those in the unit weight control program. Specifications for this item will be provided by the servicing dining facility.:dance3:

I resemble that remark. LOL
A Story of Creation (from a former SgtMaj of the Marine Corps)

In the beginning was God, and all else was darkness and void, and without form. So God created the heavens and the Earth. He created the sun, and the moon, and the stars, so that light might pierce the darkness. God divided the Earth between the land and the sea, and these he filled with many assorted creatures. And the dark, salty, slimy creatures that inhabited the murky depths of the oceans, God called sailors. And he dressed them accordingly.
They had little trousers that looked like bells at the bottom. And their shirts had cute little flaps on them to hide the hickeys on their necks. He also gave them long sideburns and shabby looking beards. God nicknamed them "squids" and banished them to a lifetime at sea so normal folks would not have to associate with them. To further identify these unloved creatures, he called them "petty" and "commodore," instead of titles worthy of red-blooded men.
And the flaky creatures of the land, God called soldiers. And with a twinkle in his eye, and a sense of humor that only he could have, God made their trousers too short and their covers too large. He also made their pockets oversized, so that they may warm their hands. And to adorn their uniforms, God gave them badges in quantities that only a dime store owner could appreciate. And he gave them emblems and crests... and all sorts of shiny things that glittered... and devices that dangled. (When you are God you tend to get carried away).
On the 6th day, he thought about creating some air creatures for which he designed a Greyhound bus driver's uniform, especially for Air Force flyboys. But he discarded the idea during the first week, and it was not until years later that some apostles resurrected this theme and established what we now know as the "wild blue yonder wonders."
And on the 7th day, as you know, God rested. But on the 8th day, at 0730, God looked down upon the earth and was not happy. God was not happy! So, he thought about his labors, and in his divine wisdom God created a divine creature. And this he called a Marine.
And these Marines, who God created in his own image, were to be of the air, and of the land, and of the sea. And these he gave many wonderful uniforms. Some were green, some were blue with red trim. And in the early days, some were even a beautiful tan. He gave them practical fighting uniforms, so that they could wage war against the forces of Satan and evil. He gave them service uniforms for their daily work and training. And he gave them evening and dress uniforms... sharp and stylish, handsome things, so that they might promenade with their ladies on Saturday night and impress the hell out of everybody! He even gave them swords, so that people who were not impressed, could be dealt with accordingly.
And at the end of the 8th day, God looked down upon the Earth and saw that it was good. But was God happy? NO! God was still not happy! Why? Because in the course of his labors, God had forgotten one thing. He did not have a Marine uniform for himself. But he thought about it, and thought about it, and finally satisfied himself in knowing that, well.........
"A Marine is a rain cooled, foot powered, spam fed, semi-automatic fighting machine, never known to have a stoppage." --M/Sgt W. Lord, Retired

USMC Rules for Gunfighting
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating or reloading.
14. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
15. And above all ... don't drop your guard.

Navy SEALS Rules For Gunfighting
1. Look very cool in sunglasses
2. Kill every living thing within view
3. Return quickly to looking cool in latest beachwear
4. Check hair in mirror

Navy Rules For Gunfighting
1. Go to Sea
2. Drink Coffee
3. Watch porn
4. Send the Marines

US Army Rangers Rules For Gunfighting
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75-pound ruck while starving
2. Locate individuals requiring killing
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75-pound ruck while starving

Army Rules For Gunfighting
1. Select a new beret to wear
2. Sew combat patch on right shoulder
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear

US Air Force Rules For Gunfighting
1. Have a cocktail
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner
3. See what's on HBO
4. Determine "what is a gunfight"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" PowerPoint presentation
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DoD & defense industry executives
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally
9. Tell the Navy to send the Marines

Notice how only Marines and SEALS actually "kill" anyone in a gunfight?
Err wolfie olde chap, now you have gone done let the snake outa the bag! Inter-service razzing has been a military norm since some poor surf in rags dragged his sorry ass into battle to hack & chop his enemies to bits, yet shamed the archers who fired from the rear, cowards! Then some inbred royal rode on a horse, the cav was born and p/o-ed everyone off who had to march, the folks with cannons were stand off REMF's and the navy mostly sank except for the Phoenicians then the Roman Galleys who had slaves chained to oars, where were the Jars? Not quite in the scene yet, naval-infantry evolved when a bunch of lunatic horse-whipped drilled out of their brains poor FMJ sods who thought they would be soldiers ended up getting press-ganged and ended up SOL and too far out to sea to swim back, so they were used to hop from one ship to another with swords and do a soldier's work on a frigging ass boat. Forty lashes for failing to die for a war they did not start nor even understand nor wanted any part of until God in his wisdom allowed the United States Army to evolve and use the USMC to do jobs no sane private (E-1) would dream of pulling off. Some twit built a plane and it was so techy that B 4 U could complete the training most short wars were over, and God looked at the mess He had created thinking the Navy has it's USCG, it naval aviation, it's subs and fleets of the line, a brown water branch, and even created SEAL's to do some way-crazy stuff that most never graduated to pin on their dolphins during the train-up, natural born killers, and of course their naval infantry, the now multi-tasked USMC or Corp smirked upon all others, and for the sin of pride the Guy upstairs has planned that now the Dept of the Navy has air, land and sea agro all covered, there is no reason any other service should need to go to war, so by papal decree He plans on sending all us grunts & fly-boys home to find your gals all lonely cause U stay deployed, and hook em' up with a steady mate for life who stays home, plays with the kids, 'n dog, works in a safe job, watches MTV and plays on his I-Pod, that my friend is your destiny. So on behalf of every soldier and airman/woman we quit and leave the field to the omni-present got all the bases covered U.S. Navy and all her many minions. You can take care of something we will no longer need to bother ourselves with. And on the 8th day the troops and planes came home leaving the entire foul muck of fighting any future wars to the Dept of the Navy (1-ea) who seems to have a handle on the whole deal. Nes-pas?
See if I EVER post into this thread again!!!!!!!
I'll be watching you all on my 50" plasma big-screen T.V. and flying the friendly skies c/o ex-USAF pilots to wonderful tropical islands c/o the folks who used to fly B52's, an obsolete and redundent beast as your boats, jets and subs can plonk a nuke on Iran in seconds and I'll watch it all on CNN! Now run with that idea and tell me WTF kind of jobs are left that the Navy has not already fully filled and equitted itself jolly well if I may say so.
(How to win friends and influence folks 101) :wink:


THE NAVY is brought in to do what others can't.LOL
These are from snipercountry I always chuckle at them. These are a little different from Wolfhunters but same lines here and there...

USMC Rules For Gun Fighting
Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns. Bring their friends who have guns.
If you can, make friends with those on the crew served weapons. Bring them as well. Borrow money from them, it gives them an added incentive to protect you.
Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
Only hits count. Close doesn't count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough nor using cover correctly.
Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)
If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun.
In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived and who didn't.
If you are not shooting, you should be communicating (calling for arty or air support), reloading, and running.
Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting is more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.
Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel pisses in the flintlock of your musket."
Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
In combat, there are no rules, always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
Have a plan.
Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
Have a back-up, back-up plan in case CentCom or SecDef finds the first two plans "unacceptable".
Use cover or concealment as much as possible. The only visible target should be in your gun sights.
Flank your adversary when possible. Protect your flank.
Don't drop your guard.
Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.
Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).
Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a "4."

Army Rules for Gun Fighting
See USMC Rules to gun Fighting.
Add 60 to 90 days.
Hope the Marines already destroyed all meaningful resistance.

Navy Rules for Gun Fighting
Adopt an aggressive offshore posture.
Send in the Marines.
Drink Coffee and eat donuts.

Air Force Rules for Gun Fighting
Kiss the wife goodbye.
Drive to the base in your sports car.
Fly to target area, drop bombs, (try not to hit the Canuks) fly back to your home base.
BBQ some burgers and drink beer in your back yard, and talk shit about the Navy, Army and Marines.
For Anyone Flying Over the Holidays!

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.
25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.
join the army, travel to distant, exotic forign lands, meet exiting,interesting people, AND KILL THEM!:biggrin:
New Country Security Levels

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey! ", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

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