Mr Dog, Sir.
I don't know who else to turn to. I've tried contacting the local Authorities, the State Atty General, the FBI, hell I even sent a letter to Obama himself. But no one will listen to me. I'm hoping you might be able to take action where others are only turning a blind eye.
Almost exactly a year I ago, I discovered a clandestine invasion force that is entrenching it's agents all across America. And yes some of these agents of deception are even in our Malls. Last December 7th, a day that still lives in infamy, to inflict a little pay back for the vicious attack on our land so long ago, I went to the Chinese Buffet down the road, and I started punching every waitress in the place right in their mouths. That's when I was struck with the blatantly obvious.
There are like 487Million Chinese Buffets all across our great nation. In every mall, shopping center, and neighborhood. And they're all full of military age Commie agents, posing as slave labor buffet workers! After multiple visits to every Chinese Buffet in a 300 mile radius, to collect intel, I've also surmised that the few old men working in each location must be high ranking officers.
I fear an attack is imminent. It's only a matter of time before these Commies reveal themselves and go on the attack, and we will no longer be able to gorge on General Tso's Chicken, and sushi made from sewer carp.
We need your expertise now more than ever Mr Dog!
I'll look into. But truth be told, I haven't been inside a chinese buffet since the "incident."
Thirteen years ago, I was on duty and decided to treat myself to some chinese while on my lunch break. Enjoying a plate of dumplings and crab rangoon, I was too distracted to see the shooter walk in. He was just some lunatic, pushed over the edge by the cancellation of Firefly. He opened up with his fully automatic AK-47. Five bystanders had been cut down before I was able to engage. At the time, we were forbidden from wearing gunbelts on duty per mall policy. We could, however, get around that by wearing shoulder rigs. I had a Glock 17(9mm, I know, but I was young and inexperienced), and as soon as I got to my feet I was sending lead down range to the enemy.
A one in a million shot from the shooter disabled my weapon, and I was left there standing, unarmed, in his cross hairs. In the distance I could hear the rustling of wings, I knew it was the Valkyries ready to take me, a great warrior, to Valhalla. I readied myself for death when...my warrior's instincts of self-preservation took over. Cowering beside me was a morbidly obese man in a moo moo. I quickly snatched up his quivering bulk and used him as meat shield as I rushed the shooter. His blubber absorbed the rounds, saving my life at the cost of his own, until I was within arms reach of my enemy. A quick disarmament technique and the AK was mine. He looked at me, amused, thinking I didn't have the guts to pull the trigger.
"Looks like you get to take me in," he laughed.
I could only stare at him, my steely gaze boring into his soul.
"You have the right," I said "To remain...DEAD!!!"
I emptied the remainder of the magazine into him. I then stepped back onto the mall floor, ashamed by how my desire for chinese cuisine had distracted me. Never again, I vowed, never again.