Hold your children close

[walt629]

This is a bit of 'I don't know what to say or do' because I really don't.

Last night I got word that a neighbors 14 year young son committed suicide by hanging himself in his bedroom. His grandmother found him.

My first reaction was heart break. The communication links in the neighborhood between friends started to kick in and more information came out. The poor kid was having a lot of problems leading up to the tragedy. He was having trouble with substances abuse, he got expelled from school the day before for carrying booze to school. He was confronted by the principal and the police, so there was a suspicion that he may have been headed to the Sheriff's Ranch and he had just broken up with his girl friend.

We saw this boy a couple of times a month. He was at a neighborhood get together just last month and we never saw any signs of any of this coming. He was friendly and out-going. He seemed to have his world by the reigns.

Obviously his mom and dad are crushed. His baby sister doesn't know what has happened yet. She was rushed off to a friends house and just told there was something 'bad' at the house and I don't know what Grandmom is going through.

I can't help but thinking that the dad has to be blaming himself for this. I think we all would look inside and ask "what did I do wrong?". He is a strict disciplinarian and he has said time and again he disciplines his son so his son would develop discipline. I know I would blame myself for being too tough, or for not listening, or a whole host of self-incriminations if I was in his shoes right now. But the father and son always seemed to be good with each other when we saw them together.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here. It seems my fingers are on autopilot. My time with a growing child is long gone. My son is grown and left the nest some time ago. We had our good times and some pretty rough times when things were said and done that neither of us were proud of but we got through those times. There were times when I want to kill him but never any times that he thought he couldn't talk it out with his mom and me. I guess I am blessed.

I'm probably the last person to give anyone child rearing advise so I'll pass along something I read. Hold your children close, listen to them. Don't just hear what they are saying, look them in the eye when you talk so you can see their soul and they can see yours. Love them as you want to be loved and hold them close when they most need it.

Thanks for letting me ramble.

 

[Keykutter]

I have 5 daugters and now 11 grandchildren. It scares me to death that something like this might. 2 of the kids have a father who is a drunk and is mean, both mentally and physically.

In Ohio, where they live, there is some kind of no fault divorce and if my daughter wants to leave the state with the kids to come here, there is a strong chance she will be arrested and possibly lose the kids.

My wife has talked to lawyers and judges in Ohio on numerous occasions and they confirm the state statutes and there is really nothing that can be done.

3 other grands have just had their folks divorced and the youngest one, 6, is not handling it well.

I thought the chances of something happening to one of my 5 doughters at some point growing up was a scarey possibility. Now, the chances have more than doubled with 11 grands and maybe exponentially more for the way society has deteriorated since they were young and in my care.

I guess all we can do is keep the faith and pay attention. More than that, it is out of our hands.

Sorry you're living through this Walt.

KK

 

[Wisconsin]

In my opinion rambling is a positive way for the body to vent pressure. It is a good thing if done in a proper manner, as you have done.

Prayers and thought for all the family and friends.

 

[blazemyowntrails]

I teach martial arts and recently had a student do the same. We were trying to reach out for a long time before he quit, started getting into trouble, and eventually took his own life. He had so much potential as an artist, a fighter, whatever. He was 16. We couldnt help but ask what more we could have done, but I guess sometimes you just can't. Just like all the scenarios we discuss on here- You can do everything right, and still lose.

 

[Phillip Gain]

I'm sorry for your loss. Losing someone you care about is never easy - but suicides are the worst to deal with. So heartbreaking and senseless.

Trying to frame this in the context of this forum, though: I would imagine that, if this makes the news, that they would talk about the details of the young man's life - his struggles with substance abuse, teen social issues and the resulting angst, etc. I'm sure the media would also try (to some degree) to examine the relationship with his father, and would question whether the discipline applied was appropriate, or whether there was abuse. In other words - honest, sensible reporting. No one would blame the rope.

However - I wonder how different the reporting might be if the young man had chosen a firearm as the instrument of his demise? Would the reporting be as honest and sensible? Or would the media splash it all over the news, quoting junk science studies and statistics about how dangerous firearms are to children, etc?

I think as people, and especially as parents, We The Sensible realize that this tragedy is devastating in personal terms, no matter how the deed was done. A young man took his life, and left a lot of pain and heartache in his wake.

 

[johnbergsing]

That is heart-breaking. A friend of mine committed suicide when we were in high school. It devastated the whole family. A year later his folks were divorced and two years after that his sister, who was the one who found him in his bedroom, committed suicide using the same gun her brother took his life.

 

[Mojo57]

Kk- if your daughter wants a good domestic relations attorney I'd be happy to refer her to one. No one should settle for that. The laws in Ohio are favorable for divorce and custody rights especially when there is an abusive parent.

 

[Tucker's Mom]

Thanks Walt and KK for your stories. It makes me want to jump on the first plane to Australia to check on my son who is taking care of my house over there. We are very close but I suddenly have this need now to be with him personally.:cray:

 

[localgirl]

Maybe we can remember this the next time someone on this forum decides to call someone a stupid piece of crap, or question their intelligence, or their integrity, or call them any one of a variety of terrible names. We're all someone's daughter or someone's son. We can all be hurt more easily than others realize. Please be kind to one another.

 

[walt629]

I'm sorry for your loss. Losing someone you care about is never easy - but suicides are the worst to deal with. So heartbreaking and senseless.

Trying to frame this in the context of this forum, though: I would imagine that, if this makes the news, that they would talk about the details of the young man's life - his struggles with substance abuse, teen social issues and the resulting angst, etc. I'm sure the media would also try (to some degree) to examine the relationship with his father, and would question whether the discipline applied was appropriate, or whether there was abuse. In other words - honest, sensible reporting. No one would blame the rope.

However - I wonder how different the reporting might be if the young man had chosen a firearm as the instrument of his demise? Would the reporting be as honest and sensible? Or would the media splash it all over the news, quoting junk science studies and statistics about how dangerous firearms are to children, etc?

I think as people, and especially as parents, We The Sensible realize that this tragedy is devastating in personal terms, no matter how the deed was done. A young man took his life, and left a lot of pain and heartache in his wake.

Thanks, Phillip. The issue of a gun involved was one of the first things that came to mind when I first heard. I don't know the firearm status in the household but his father and I have spoken a couple of times about shooting sports and of course it is always at the front of my mind.

As gruesome as it seems, I checked the local paper and found no mention of the incident at all.

 

[fuhr52]

Been to many of these over the years. Some over broken relationships, some because of physical and/or mental abuse, some drug abuse, some just old sick and tired of living, some for hard time and no jobs. They have used pills, guns, rope and some jumped in front of cars. Some left notes some didn't. Of the ones I got to before they succeeded, the excuse is most often, nobody cares about me, I won't be missed. It's a sad deal.