Comic Relief: Attack of the Killer Penguin


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By Jonathan "Kaymen" Adkins, Sr.
March 23, 2008

Thought I would finally share this story for a laugh. This happened a few years ago around Christmas it has taken me this long to get over the embarrassment. At the time I was living with my brother and his family. I was working evening shift from four pm to midnight. So it was a cold and dark December night when I got home. As I was walking up on the porch I noticed my bother had hung the Christmas lights that evening and put out a couple of those inflatable Christmas characters on the front lawn. It had been a long day for me so I was very tired and looking forward to kicking back with a cold one.

When I got home I was not really paying that close of attention to my surroundings even though I did noticed the lights. I was just happy that he finished and I did not have to spend my next couple days off helping him. Our home was on a dead end street with a street light at the end of the road, but the porch was always dark, so we put in a light switch by the front door so you can turn the porch light on and off on those dark nights. As I opened the door and started to go inside, out of habit I turned off the porch light. Unbeknown to me, this also killed the power to the decorations, including the six foot tall inflatable penguin that was beside the front steps.

As the penguin started to deflate it rubbed against the brick wall, making a scraping noise as it slumped against the wall. In my tired and addled state, the image of someone trying to creep up on me came instantly to mind. I pivoted on both feet one hand going to the weapon on my side the other coming up to fend off the imminent attack. As I fought to get my eyes to focused in the now darkened environment of the front porch I realized I was silhouetted by the light of the door and stepped quickly to my right looking for room to maneuver. As I peered out into the darkness there was no movement and all was now quiet. I waited for a few minutes giving my eyes time to adjust and listening intently. I could hear nothing and could see nothing. As I turned on the porch light flooding the area with the multicolor Christmas lights I found my potential assailant. The six foot tall penguin stirred and came quickly back to life.

I am not sure if my face was redder because of the cold wind blowing or the embarrassment of the situation. I was just happy it was late enough there was nobody around to see me make a fool of myself. Needless to say, I was wide awake by this time and my heart was beating so fast it felt like it was trying to burst out of my chest. All I could do was turn off the light and walk back inside. As I came into the kitchen both my brother and his wife were still up and getting a midnight snack. Of course they had to ask why I was so flushed and excited. Needless to say I still catch grief every year around Christmas time. I still say if I needed to defend myself it I would have been justified in the use of deadly force the penguin was armed, he was carrying a three foot long candy cane.

Well I am very happy you didn't shoot the penguin. I am quiet sure there are laws against killing them. :D . It appears your instincts took over once you felt a threat and it sounds like you did good.
Pretty funny. Reminds me of a friend years ago that woke up in the middle of the night. The way he had been laying his arm had some how gone to sleep but yet was laying across his fase. It frigntened him because he did not know what it was . He grabbed hold of his arm and flung it. We had a good laugh the next day when he told me of the incident.
I probably would have shot the penguin, and then had to explain to my family why I put a .45 through an inflatable christmas decoration. :icon_cheesygrin:

Good reflexes though. It's situations like that, that give you an idea of how you would react during a real attack situation. Some people just freeze up from fear.

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