The suggestion to find a place to rent different guns is a good one. First go to shops and gun shows and just handle as many as you can until you find one that feels right in your hands. Then you will narrow the field and know which ones you'd like to rent.
I have carried a Ruger SP101 .357 for many years now. I own several other guns, and shoot them often, but the revolver is my carry gun because I can shoot it well with both hands or either hand alone. That can be important in a self defense situation, so I practice all three options frequently.
I love my XD .45 (4 in) too, and carried it for quite a while. The perceived recoil of the .45 is actually slightly less than that of the revolver with .38+p ammunition, but I can't control that big gun with just one hand. (I'm 65, very small and with short fingers.)
Bottom line is that you have to find the gun that FITS you, and which you can use to the greatest advantage. You need to find YOUR favorite gun, so use the suggestions of others simply as a starting point.
If you can find a woman instructor to help you with all this, you'd shorten the process I suspect. If you were here in NE Wyoming, I'd be tickled to work with you. In any case, good luck!! And check back here to let us know your progress and what you ultimately pick out.